Defining Moments

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what defines people. Specifically myself. Me. Megan Keller. Megan the person. Megan the girl. Megan the spirit. Just Me. I have been trying to figure myself out. I haven't done that for a long, long time. You see I had an experience that jarred me so much that I haven't stopped thinking about it since. A few weeks ago in one of my classes we had a new instructor. She did what all new instructors do and had everyone go around the class and introduce themselves and tell us about them so that she and the class could get to know us better. Every girl before me introduced themselves with "Hi my name is----- i'm -- years old and i've been married for---- to ---- and he is just so great-----" Every. Single. Girl. Now give me that question exactly 6 weeks and three days ago and I would have been that same girl. My name is Megan and I am important and special because I have a husband, so yeah, be jealous, wish you were me. My life is complete because I have a man! BOOM! Now please don't take this as a man bashing post because it is so not. I loved being married. Even in the shittiest (excuse the bluntness) of times, and I would not take it back. And honestly I would rather be married than single. But this really has made me take a hard look at myself and how I view myself. Not that you care, but when it came to me for my answer I said "Hi my name is Megan and as you all know my life is a mess." Golden. That really was my answer. What I should have said was "Hi my name is Megan, I love to laugh, but more I love to make other people laugh. I once had an addiction to hot chocolate that I am still trying to break, and it was so bad that my dentist told me I should probably cut back to one cup of nesquick a day. My favorite smell is probably a mixture of rain and mint fields because it smells like Boise to me. I have done some really sweet things in my life and you should all get to know me because I can be a lot of fun" Or something like that. Because now after thinking and thinking and thinking I feel like THAT answer would be more accurate. See I have realized just how much I have let myself be defined by being married. By being "safe" because I am married. When I took my wedding ring off I felt like I literally stopped being 'Megan Bongiovi' and became 'Megan Keller' again. The funny thing though is that I should have been the same person, but in a lot of ways I am not. I felt like I was losing this person who was a wife and who was married and who had this experience blah blah blah and instead I just fell back into my own self. My own soul. Please don't think that this has anything with D because although partially it probably does, a lot of it is just me. I keep learning funny things about myself that I didn't realize before, like when I get nervous I rub my ring finger because I used to twist my ring, or how I would stare at my ring when I was bored, or how every thing that I talked about had to do with being married and my husband. Don't think that I think that people that talk about these things are stupid or that it is trivial because I so don't. I am more than happy for people who are in a serious committed relationship or marriage and are happy and satisfied because I would love to have that again one day. But I also don't want to limit myself like I have, not just since I have been married, but forever. My entire life I have planned my career, my goals, my looks, my ambitions to be married and settled down and to have everything a certain way. And I had all of those things and I keep realizing that that isn't exactly how my life works. It never has and it never will. There are so many things that I want to do and experience in life. Things that I want to do by myself or with someone else but things that I want to do for ME. Not for anyone else. I never want to feel terrified by someone asking me about myself and not knowing how to respond because I don't have a husband to talk about. One of my biggest fears about this whole process has been the perception of others about me. Nothing says "red flag" like being divorced by the age of 22 and that scares me. I am scared that people will think they know me before they really do because of preconceived ideas that that they about me. My sister sent me a text that said "You are not what happens to you. You are not this divorce." It was funny because that is all I had been thinking about. Ways to make it less awkward for other people. To joke about everything that has happened and try to make sure that when people say things like "Well it doesn't even seem like you are affected by this" or "You seem so happy!" and "You are so strong!! I couldn't do this" that I don't make the face that says "I am so affected by this I only just listened to that last sentence, I am trying to be positive and I can't do this either, but I don't have a choice." But when it all comes down to it, I am not a divorce. Did I go through a divorce? Yes I did. Will I still be affected by it for a long time? Of course I will, but I also don't have to let that define me. I don't have to let anything define me except for myself. I can define myself. I do not need to be defined. Wish me luck on my journey. It is a work in progress. xoxo M

Truth Tuesday

Every day since August 5th I have been looking myself in the mirror saying "You are STRONG, you are BRAVE, and you are BEAUTIFUL" afterwards I either then say, "and you're an idiot" or I just laugh or cry. I don't feel this way. Not even close but I feel like all I can do is say it until I believe it. See August 5th was my two year wedding anniversary. A day I have celebrated monthly since I have been married and was so looking forward to. How the day turned out was exactly the opposite of how I thought it would. You see tomorrow September 5th marks our 25th monthiversary or depending on how you look at it, our two year anniversary and our one month of separation. By the end of this week our divorce might actually be finalized if not by the end of next week. There has been a lot of emotions. Obviously that was not what I was expecting to happen but I can also clearly see how Heavenly Father has been preparing me for this unexpected journey. If you are hoping for a hate session on my soon to be ex husband don't waste your time by reading my blog any longer because that is not going to happen. My relationship with D has been very unconventional from the very beginning as is our divorce. We do not hate each other, we aren't bitter, we aren't trying to hurt each other. We are actually still best friends and get along as we always have, better as friends than we do as spouses. We have been mourning together as well as laughing and continuing on together. There is no doubt both of our lives are going to drastically change, we are both taking two very different paths that we both want for our lives. We have been joking by saying that we are going to "die" so we might as well be happy together while we can because once it is done it is done and we will both have a new life. I honestly want nothing more than for D to have a happy and satisfied life and that is what he wants for me as well. As far as a divorce goes, I don't think it can be much better. I will never ever say that I regret getting married to D. I would do it again knowing everything that I know now. I have learned so much. Especially about myself. I would be lying if I said that I have had complete peace and contentment through this process. I haven't. I have had multiple impulses to do the exact opposite of everything I have been taught and that I believe to be right. At one point all I really wanted to do was get completely drunk, the kind where you can't feel your face (or something like that I've never done this so i'm not sure the exact description but you get my point) I had that opportunity to, multiple times and even though I wanted to I couldn't. I cannot deny what I know to be true and right in my heart. If anything else I have only become stronger as a person. I feel as though I have complete clarity in what I know what I want in my life and my soul is peaceful. I could not ask for anything more than that at this point. Here is to another day. I hope you lovelies have been well. XOXO M

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July! This year I can't help but reflect on all of the people who sacrifice for our freedom. There are so many people who really do sacrifice so much for what we have in our country. I have been spoiled with Drew going on trips and coming home for a few days in between and I am so grateful to all of those men and women who are willing to put our country and freedom before themselves. I am almost somber just thinking about how many people are missing someone who is either gone right now serving, or who has made the ultimate sacrifice and has passed on. I feel like time is flying bay way too quickly, in 2 and a half months D will be deployed, and at this time next year he will be gone on another deployment. I am so thankful to him and to the service that he does for our country (and family)every single day (waking up at 3:30 in the morning and driving an hour and a half to get to work and then working a 10-12 hour day and driving back isn't necessarily fun) but I also have so much admiration for him for his bravery and courage and because he can see the big picture and is passionate about what he does. He never complains and is always willing to do what is asked of him. This year especially I am realizing just how blessed and free we really are. So today I am going to celebrate a wonderful holiday with my very own smashing soldier, and make sure it is one to remember, God bless you and yours on this day of freedom, xoxo M

My Father

I have a pretty special Father. A really great one in fact. The amount of respect I have for my Dad is pretty much more than I can explain. He is one of the most self sacrificing people that I know. He is honest, he is caring, he is smart, funny and the list goes on. One of my favorite things about my dad is how much he loves my Mom. My whole life I have never felt like one parent was in charge, I have always felt like my parents were a team in everything. This is something I appreciate especially now that I am married because I realize how hard they work to have such a great relationship with one another, as well as how much love and respect they have for each other to never put themselves first in the relationship. My whole life I have felt important because I always thought my Dad was important. I realize this is fairly pompous, but as I grow older I also realize just how important my dad has been in the shaping of legislature in Idaho (now Utah) as well as just how his influence affects others around him. One thing that I love about my relationship with my dad especially is how much he makes me feel important, and not in a "you can do anything you set your mind to" type of parenting approach, but more that he has always been very honest to me about my strengths and weaknesses and has encouraged me with both. Another thing that works really well with my relationship with my dad is that for some reason our strongest traits seem to be the same, and while that occasionally means we have had a few, (several) head butting and angry conversations, it also means that almost no one can push me like my dad to do and be better. When I was little, about 5 I loved soccer, I started playing at 4 and thought it was so fun. I was a competitive little thing at the time and the youngest on my team, my dad started a deal that if I scored a goal he would buy me a Barbie. Nothing in my world was as great as a Barbie. Eventually it would be if you score two goals you can get two Barbies etc, until it had to be 3 goals to get one Barbie etc, I finally got up to 9 goals a game and other kid's parents saying they would also buy me Barbies that we had to stop that little deal. Even though it probably seems silly, I have known my whole life that I had to work for what I wanted, regardless of what it was that I wanted and I am very grateful that I was taught that at such a young age. My Dad has always saved quarters in containers and I would always tell him I would count them all if he let me have them, (yeah, right) one year he told me that once his container was full we would go do something fun with it. That year though he was sick a lot, I was in high school and it just never happened and I always bugged him like a brat about it. About 5 months into my freshmen year of college though, my dad gave me a huge bag full of quarters that was from our "something fun" stash and he said I could have them all for my laundry. I treasured those quarters for a long time. I still had quite a few of them until last year. They especially meant a lot to me because although my parents probably could have put all of us kids through college from an early age we all knew that if we wanted to go to college we would have to get a scholarship. What is funny is that all 4 of us had full ride scholarships to the universities we went to. So, when my Dad gives any financial help it has always made me feel like I must have done something really special to earn it. From an early age we had to work for whatever we earned. For example when I was 11 and started to "work" to buy my school clothes (yep 5th grade folks) my dad and I sat and wrote up a contract of what I would do during the summer each week to make money and we both signed it. We have continued to do contracts through middle and high school, and I know my Dad has kept each one. Last week we went to lunch with my parents and out of nowhere my Dad started writing on a napkin and it was a contract that he and my mom would pay a certain amount of money for beauty school if I would give them free hair cuts for the rest of their lives, considering I would have done that regardless, I got a pretty sweet deal and signed that sucker as fast as I could. Considering how much I know my parents would have liked me to finish my last year of college before starting beauty school, I am so thankful for their help and their encouragement of me doing what I really want to do, and to be honest if we would have had this same contract 3 years ago when I graduated High School I know I wouldn't have appreciated nearly enough, and not even close to how much I and (we) do. That whole being married, being students, being poor, and then buying a house basically means no money for the rest of our lives. And if I don't finish beauty school I have to pay the money back per the contract. I mentioned earlier that one of my favorite things about my Dad is how much he loves and respects my Mom and how he has always been a perfect example of what a father and a husband should be like. I appreciate that even more now as he is also now the Dad of my husband and is such a great father to him as well. My Dad has always been a worthy and active Priesthood leader in our home. He has always put the gospel and our family above everything else. He has always worked so hard to be able to have a job that would provide well for our family and make it so that my mom could stay home with us kids because they felt like that was their first priority. There is no doubt in my mind that I was meant to be in my family and also meant for the last so my parents could focus ALL of their energy on me so that I could turn out at least decent with all of my craziness. I love my Dad so much and wish him the happiest of happy day to celebrate him! Lucky and blessed me. Hope you all have a fabulous day celebrating the Fathers in your lives. xoxox M

Home

I sit hear amid boxes that I am frustratingly trying to pack, putting little pieces of our lives away one at a time to be moved to a new place. We are supposed to close tomorrow morning and start moving our things this weekend. I would be lying if I didn't say I am beyond excited but I am also a little sad. This little apartment, I think of it as my apartment really, I will be sad to leave. I remember when we had to move in last minute, a week before Drew left for basic training where he would be for 6 months. When he left, this whole apartment was still in boxes, similar to how it is now. I remember coming back and sitting on the floor and just crying trying to find the courage to live a life I hadn't planned on living, and to put everything together. It took me a long time to do that. For a long time I just felt homeless, like I didn't belong anywhere and was always a little disheveled about that. Now though, I think of all the places in this apartment I have shed tears, happy and sad, (I'm a crier, I can't help it) and there is a warm little spot in my heart for this place. I will miss our view of the temple and the glowing A up on the hill, a view we don't have in our new house, and I will miss being so close to everything and everyone I have known, and gotten to know so well in our ward and at work. There is something so sweet about the idea of our new home. There is something romantic to me that our house served as a home for others but that everything inside will be brand new for us. A new beginning of sorts. This house will be where we will have our first child, where we have our own yard and become established in our new little community. I am excited to be surrounded by trees and be so close to the mountain. To live in the 'country' and to go on walks to the park and to the post office. It's all a little charming. I so look forward to that with my very own Mr. Have a sweet rest of the week and weekend sweets, xoxo M

Truth Tuesday

Today I was hit on by a guy. This was awkward for a number of reasons, 1. I'm married but he didn't know that yet 2. I was leaving our apartment at the top of the stairs while he was walking up them so he knows where I live 3. Those stairs are fairly narrow so it was two close for my comfort 4. I seriously thought he was going to say something awkward like "You're fly is down" or something equally awkward, but instead said "Oh, Oh hey! I'm Brad, I just live right down there, Not far from youuu, at all" Yeah, no thanks. My first instinct was literally to just put my hand with my ring just on my face. I realize that's not the appropriate response, but I really wanted to go with that. Lucky me the wind blew my hair in my face and I moved it with said hand, Said nice to meet you, and hurried down the stairs. Then I hear him say under his breath ahhhh married! She's married! Unfortunately that added to the awkward level and I had to book it to the truck because I started to awkward laugh/giggle. Disastrous. I have become addicted to HGTV. Like seriously addicted. I watch all of the things I could do to a house, hopefully soon MY house and I get stoked. I feel like an old person because of that but oh well. I even started following them on pinterest, which i've also started getting on more now to get ideas for what I want to do. So many choices! Today I was informed that my paper that I wrote in my English class was chosen to be published. Only 15 out of 2,600 were chosen, and although that's not a huge group, it's still enough that I am pretty proud of it. I really put a lot of time and effort in to that paper and deeply care about the subject (sexual education with teenage girls, how girls feel they have to be sex objects or that that makes them "worth" something etc and how girls in our society are taught multiple mixed messages) so that was pretty exciting news on my end today. Speaking of other news going on at our house, we found out on Sunday that D will be gone for 60 days in October/November. So NOT looking forward to that in so many ways, but long term it will be good for us i'm sure. Can I just tell you how obnoxious my blog is? I SERIOUSLY wish I were more technologically capable because I am not at all and I always try to fix stuff on it and it messes it up. For example, it won't space between my paragraphs so while I type this it is all written out in separate little paragraphs, but then I post it and it all gets sqwooshed together and that is so obnoxious. Really, it is. Happy Birthday to my beautiful Sister-in-law Hollie! Hope you have had a fabulous day!! Love you soooooo mucch and now have a great day it's almost freaking Wednesday after all. xo ps. To those of you that have left comments on my blog, THANK YOU! They are always so great and I love hearing what you have to say. As mentioned above I am the worst and often don't see them until days after you post them but I promise I will be much better about responding back to you, and thanks for reading! M

Truth Tuesday

It's that time again! Truth Tuesday! Woop Woop! So let's start chatting shall we? I have decided to add some pictures from last week/this week to some things up.

So my hair is taking on a blonde hue, and has finally gotten a little thinner! Thank goodness! It has gotten so, so heavy lately since I haven't been thinning it consistently like I used to and it feels SO much better now! Yay! Someday it will finally be really blonde, like for real blonde and that will be exciting! Changing my hair makes me feel free, like a chance taker. Yeah that seems silly but I think hair has a lot of power in your mood and energy and every now and then a great cut or color can change a lot about a person's attitude about their life and the response that they get from other people. I love it. Did you see that family nap picture? That is us on the weekends poor D gets so tired by the weekend that we do a lot of sleeping, or he sleeps and I lay down and try to keep Dutch calm while D catches some Z's. I just love our little family. Remember how we bought a house? We did, and I am SO excited, but i'm also SO nervous that something will go wrong and we won't get it. Because of that Mr. Bongiovi and I agreed that we wouldn't put any pictures or anything up until we know that it is ours with keys in hand. So not until June 8th can I put up any pictures! AH! But here are some things I will tell you about our house. The outside is really freaking ugly. I HATED it when I saw the picture. Here is the thing, when I made an offer on the first house that I really liked that Drew didn't like it had all of the things I was looking for. It was OLD! I LOVE old houses, so so much! I have wanted an old house for my first house forever. I just think there is something so charming and lovely about living in a house that has a history. Drew on the other hand realized that, that house was built in 1886 and that he would not live there and I was so bummed! BUMMED I tell you! There was claw tub, little windows above every door in the house, a spot that we could have added a lovely window seat for all of my reading pleasure and then NO! That was a hard thing for us to compromise on because we could have bought a brand new house, and me being the weirdo I am did NOT, want a new house. I just wanted something that was more charming and homey. Then we found our compromise. The house that we are now (hopefully) going to own soon! The inside has all been completely re-done. All of the floors are new, all of the cabinets in the kitchen, the lights and the bathroom. EVERYTHING inside is new. But it also has the charm of an older house with the original fireplace, big open windows in the front and is in a neighborhood that is established but perfect. I am just hoping and praying that it works out because we are both so enchanted by the house. The fortune was from last week. The ironic thing was that the day that I had that fortune was also the day I was doing just that. It was the day I was telling my boss that I had decided to go to beauty school. So there it is, I am starting in July and I am SO excited. I just can't wait to do what I have been wanting to do for so long that now I am FINALLY doing. I'm stoked the Bachelorette is back on. I don't care if you like it or not, I do! I didn't start watching it until we moved here and we love it. Every season we love to make fun of everyone and add dialogue and the dumb drama that it includes. This season however, I think Emily is darling and I hope that she gets a good guy even if it doesn't last that long. Can I say one thing? I really hate hats on girls. Seriously. I think I have seen like 5 people famous/not that I have seen wear a hat that doesn't look like an idiot. Ugh I just want to yell at girls when they wear hats. Sometimes I get it, you throw on a hat and you pull up a pony tail. Or you are at a rodeo. Otherwise please stop. They don't compliment anyone's face shape, they hide it, they are awkward and they make me think of starting it on fire. I know it's awful and mean of me to feel this way, but today I saw my neighbor, who is a really cute girl, wearing this weird fedora thing and I just had to bite my tongue so that I didn't tell her that the best thing she could do to improve her day would be to trash her hat. Sigh. To each his own. I will say I have a few exceptions to this rule, I love the huge hats you would wear on a beach that DON'T cover your face and I also love the huge hats that are worn at the Kentucky derby. I'm an extremist what can I say. Have a wonderful day, xoxo M