Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Truth Tuesday

You know how T-Swift is singing basically every girl's life on her new CD? (according to Facebook, Instagram and Blogger anyway) Well she is definitely singing mine over and over and over. Thanks Tay ha. So since this whole divorce thing has been happening I have really needed to have a distraction. I love to read and well, I chose Harry Potter. I don't even know what number that was that I have read books #1-4 honestly. Yeah I'm a closet nerd and I am not even embarrassed. Like at all. I am in the middle of book 5 so there you go. Let's talk about awkward things. Here is awkward, being divorced at 22, being LDS, living in a college town where now i'm considered almost "old" because i'm not 18/19 now and being back in the dating scene. Yeah it's freaking awesome. What is even more awkward is when you talk to someone (a guy) and you are just being friendly and he takes it as you want to date him and stops talking to you. Yeah, no, I actually really was just curious how you were doing...... so..... now I hope it's crappy? False I don't really, but that was awkward. Second awkward is when you ARE flirting and then the guy thinks you are being friendly. So. Great. No. More. When talking with Tan Tan and one of her guy friends the other night I was saying how awkward things are, I don't know how to put myself out there, I just feel like a weirdo etc. Then her friend said, "well Megan, more guys would probably talked to you if you stopped reading Harry Potter!" HAHA!!! I laughed and said , I would rather Harry Potter anyways so lets just keep it how it is then. Lately I have been extremely emotional. I overall am not a huge crier, normally I have to just get really, really mad and that is when I cry but lately all I do is cry. And when I mean cry, I mean literally all of a sudden burst into tears and hysterics and sob and literally have to pull my car over cause I can't see when driving kind of driving. Things have just been hitting me a lot lately and I think I have just been holding in so many emotions that I physically can't hold them back. Pathetic but true. See I don't tell people this in person, but on my blog I do because this is my outlet and I need to get it out somewhere. So here it is out. My poor Mom has had to listen to me for hours ranting and raving and crying and yelling and being unresponsive over and over and over again. I wish I wouldn't do that. My emotional state to put it lightly would probably be considered volatile. I just miss my best friend. Unfortunately He is who I talked to about everything, always. I have been having withdrawals from that. Even after everything I still miss him, then that makes me angry and more sad and then I get mad at myself, and then people tell me I have "no self respect because normal people wouldn't miss their ex husband who cheated and lied and didn't care about you and left you on your anniversary and who will never really care about you anyway get over it already" logically I understand that. Emotionally I still don't. I am trying. I had just accepted my life the way it was, chose to ignore those things, and tried to make the best of it when He did care, and when he did want me and when he was around. I am convinced that marriage again is not for me. I just don't think I will be able to truly trust anyone after all of this and I think that might be ok anyway. I have wanted to be the favorite aunt anyway, so now I just really will be. Disneyland was so fun. I plan on documenting that trip sometime since I took a shiz ton of pictures. Guys, in two weeks I will officially be on the books at school. Meaning I can take appointments. Meaning I will be working on real people. Meaning I'm scared out of my mind but also really really excited at the same time. Scary. One last thing, remember how I have said forever how I have been wanting to work on being healthier? Well guess what? I have been doing a pretty good job. I have so far lost 14 pounds and I am hoping to lose another 8-10 by Thanksgiving. I still have a really, really long way to go, but I feel strong doing this because I didn't think I could. My weight was my protection in a way when I found out about the infidelity issue and emotionally I have been fighting it for over a year and a half because I just felt like I couldn't do it and that I didn't want to do it and now that I actually AM doing it, it feels good. Wish me luck. And give me any tips you have because I will take and can use them all!! Hope you had a good day, Happy Halloween tomorrow! xoxo M

Thursday, October 25, 2012

These days I don't really believe in love. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust anyone's intentions. I just feel like everyone only cares about themselves and the idea of caring about someone more than myself again seems really, really foolish. It's when I feel like this that I am the most grateful for the gospel in my life. Even though I don't feel like I deserve the blessings that I have received in my life, or that I continue to be blessed with, I am reassured that I have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ whose love is one that I know my mortal mind wouldn't even be able to understand. I am grateful for the constant encouragement I feel from them even when I feel that I can't do it anymore. Not another day, not another step, not another fake smile, not another anything, I am lifted up and can continue. I am also grateful for my family, most days I feel like somewhere up in Heaven when we got to decide what families we would be with, I must have begged and begged to be with mine because I don't deserve any of them one bit. I am very blessed, even on my hardest and worst days. There is always something to be grateful for. M

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

"Do You Hear That? It's the Sound of a New Start...."

See: Now is the Start by A Fine Frenzy It is sucha great song, it is so peppy :) Especially coming from A Fine Frenzy, I really love her music but normally she is more like Adele and less like Elle Goulding but I like it. Today I would like to talk about shiz. That's all I really talk about anyways but I might as well keep that up right? One thing that keeps cracking me up is the amount of people that keep telling me "Don't worry, there's someone out there for you, just be patient." Don't get me wrong I think that is really nice that people think that someone else would be willing to take a chance on me at this point, or in the future, or whenever, that is nice. But I have a few issues with that because it's like no one even considered that maybe I don't WANT to be with anyone else? Yeah I get that I have always had at least one (5) guys attached at the hip at all times most of my life, but I have started learning that I don't need a dude to be happy. Not in the slightest. Sometimes it is nice to think something and feel something and not be inclined to have to share it with anyone but myself and be able to appreciate it for what it is, a good thought, or a happy feeling and appreciate myself without having to seek validation from another person. But at the same time if you know a cool single dude that wants to hang out with a cool crazy girl, hook a sister up you know what i'm saying? (ha!!) Anyway lets get to the real point of this point, I have an ongoing list of some things I need to do in the next year and maybe a little longer ish that I am already looking forward to. I love to celebrate things, life, this journey, in general. I have been feeling really grateful lately just realizing how many possibilities are out there just waiting for me to go and experience them, and I fully intend to. So here goes, *Go to DISNEYLAND!! (yayayayayayayayay!!!! I'm going next week so so excited!!!!!!) *Go SKYDIVING! (this will be happening on February 24th, my half birthday since I didn't have as big of a celebration as normal this year I decided my half-birthday party would have to be bigger than it normally is, which to me is still a pretty big deal) *Learn how to BOX! (i.e. punching people with gloves and it's legal!! I am starting this Thursday!! WOOOOOO) *Get into SHAPE (and just be healthier in general) *Run a half marathon (see previous) *Buy a motorcycle next summer (riding through the canyon everyday in the summer sounds divine) *Read the book of Mormon at least once *Be kinder *Find ways to serve others consistently *Get some crafts on (this may never be successful but i'm going to try!) *Crowd surf (every screamo concert I have had the opportunity to and never have, this year I WILL!) *Go to EUROPE (this is where the ISH comes in, I am planning on taking a trip to Europe when I graduate beauty school next year in the month or two I have before I go back to USU to finish my degree, I have got to see Versailles and Auschwitz I just have to) *Go to Seattle in April for the tulip festival with my Momsy *Be social and don't become a hermit (i.e. make a lot of new friends) *STAY POSITIVE *KEEP GOING *BE GRATEFUL etc. So far that's all I have, sorry this list is confusing, somehow I made it so that my blog doesn't space into paragraphs or anything, I obviously don't know how I did that or how I fix it, but it is what it is. If you have any other great ideas for things I should be doing let me know I'd love to hear your ideas :) Xoxo M

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Love/Hate Same/Difference

The past three weeks I have been praying to hate D. I have been praying to stop caring to not feel bad to recognize this as a blessing. To be able to move on. To focus on all of the anguish and heartache and self loathing he has caused me over the past two years. To just be done and fine with what is happening. You don't have to be LDS or even very religious to recognize that God probably wouldn't help me with my plight. So finally I got angry this past week, similar to a defiant child I basically told Heavenly Father, "Fine, I'll do it my way!" And have been trying. I have been hashing and re hashing all of the hurtful words, all of the awful feelings, all of the lies until I have become completely consumed by it. My final words to D before he got deployed were mean and hurtful. I just wanted to replace his heart with mine so that he could understand the level of pain and ruin that he has caused. I'm sure some of you are wondering to yourselves why I would try to make a bad situation even worse? In hindsight I can see it that way, but at the time I just wanted to stop feeling everything. See, there was a time in our marriage, only 6 months in that I found out about D's ultimate betrayal. To me, to us, to our marriage to our relationship. The level of disaster that caused my soul I am unable to even explain. There is a part of me that I fear will never ultimately be healed by that until I die and can understand things more clearly. At that time I became completely despondent, I said I wanted a divorce then and there. I did not care about D. I didn't care about our marriage. I was completely done then. But I had made covenants not just with D, but with Heavenly Father that I would do everything I could to make my marriage an eternal one. So try I did, until I could forgive and continue forward. Ironically I finally and absolutely forgave him the day before he left and I told him I was ready to move forward, that I had forgiven him that I wanted to start our family and continue onto a better journey together. I am grateful at least that I did forgive him for that before he left because I did, and have, and needed to let that go. Because I had felt that way before though, I wanted Heavenly Father to help me feel that way again. To just not care and be angry and happy that I didn't have to do that anymore. After being angry all week it came time for conference and I knew I needed to take in as much as I could because I had gone from being defiant to being discouraged because that wasn't working either. Finally I prayed and told Heavenly Father that I would do whatever it was that He saw fit but that I needed to be able to move forward in a better way because ultimately me trying to hate D was not affecting him in anyway, it was only affecting me. I listened and wrote notes and felt the spirit, but it wasn't until the second session, where there was a talk about families and children, that my temper flared because another small piece of my soul fell apart remembering the comment "you want to have kids with me and I don't even want to have a life with you, I want nothing to do with you" the tears came instantaneously and I started to feel myself pull away and question if I could do this, if I could stay in the church and be so focused on eternal marriage and families when all of my hopes and dreams of one had been utterly demolished. I immediately felt the most overwhelming feeling that I have to this date ever felt. The words came to my mind, "I love you, it will be ok, trust me" and then "I love D too, let this go, it will pass" Tears streamed down my face as I felt a complete love that I have never felt before. I was able to receive complete confirmation that Heavenly Father loves me. That he knows what I am dealing with. That he understands, and knows that it is not easy. That even with all of my horrible faults that he STILL loves ME, fully and without equal. This moment is one that I know I will think of often in my life to come, after feeling like I do not matter and am not loved and am insignificant to the person I gave everything I had to for the past two years, I had almost forgotten that there was anything in me left to love, or even like for that matter. As a person I have felt that there wasn't. Heavenly Father reminded me that although I do not feel like it, I am still a Daughter of God, that I am significant to Him and ultimately that is the most important thing in this life, that I matter, that there is a reason for me to be on the earth, that I have a purpose and that He has a plan for me, one that only I can accomplish through the decisions that I make in this life, it was a reminder that I have needed for a long, long time. For a moment, I knew without a doubt what complete Heavenly love felt like not only for me but also for D. I knew then and there that I will never again try to hate D. That he is also a son of God and that while I don't understand his decisions and don't necessarily agree with them, that Heavenly Father is aware of him too and will bless him accordingly but it is no longer my burden to bear or deal with his decisions and the consequences. For the rest of my life I know that I will always try to do everything I can so that someday after this life I might be able to feel that feeling that I had for a brief moment here on earth. I know the Gospel is true. In every essence of my makeup I know that there is a living Savior who has felt everything that I have felt and who understands completely and a loving Father in Heaven who is mindful of me and recognizes me and loves me. There is no doubt in my mind. There is a reason for things that I do not know yet but I have faith because I know that I am loved and even though I fear that I cannot trust anyone on earth, I know that I can trust Him. For that I am so thankful. xoxo M

Friday, October 5, 2012

Things I'm Loving Lately

Hello Lovelies, Since it has been a little ho-hum and glum around here lately I decided we needed a little lightening up. So here are a few things I am loving lately. #1 I went on a date last Friday. As in he came and picked me up, we went to a movie and ice cream etc etc. He was such a great guy too (I was surprised, it was a blind date and that shiz can be a little sketch) but it was a great time. I was so so nervous. I haven't been in that scene for so long I found myself over stressing about things a LOT. I have never been one to worry about dates or get self conscious, not because I am not insecure but mostly my excitement always outweighs it but I was so nervous I almost backed out last minute. I am really glad I didn't though. I needed to go, and even though I am by no means looking for a relationship or anything that vaguely resembles it, I did need to get out of my comfort zone so that I would know I could do it and that the next time I wouldn't be too scared.
My new sweatshirt from Victoria Secret. For those of you that hate the "Love Pink" when it isn't on an actual pink piece of clothing I get it, it's confusing when you are reading PINK and the pants are OBVIOUSLY neon green, it's like you start questioning the functionality of your brain and eyes and wondering if they somehow didn't connect correctly and you went color blind. Anyway I know it can be annoying and I felt the same way but I love their sweatshirts so much I don't mind confusing a few peeps. Plus this has fur inside so it is basically being wrapped inside of a teddy bear. Which is exactly what I wanted so that is good news.
Miss Tan-Tan. She and I started the cosmetology program together on the same day and what do you know, we became instant buds. She and I are not alike, she is quiet and reserved and (almost) shy while I am out of control and have no filter. I have been so blessed to have her in my life. Not only was she my first friend at school but she also has proven to be one of the best friends that I could ask for and is now my roommate and even got me a job. Seriously? She is amazing and I am so thankful for her sweetness and consistency in a time of my life that has been anything but.
Candice, Taylor and Bailey are some of the other biggest blessings that I have in my life right now. The fact that I have continued to go to school through this process has probably been more of a surprise to me than it is to anyone else. Everyday the idea of staying home in my bed all day and crying seems like the obvious choice but with these girls at school encouraging me and loving me and making me laugh every single day all I want to do is be around them. They are so positive and fun and help me to see the good in life at all times. I know for certain that I was supposed to meet them, I just was. They are each amazing girls (this is including Tan-Tan) with so many individual fabulous qualities in each of them. I feel like every day I am learning something about strength and consistency from Bailey, Compassion and Empathy from Taylor, Humor and Wisdom from Candice and Patience and Hope from Tan. I like myself when I am around them and that is something I have really needed to recognize in my life. I am set on making everything in my life positive and not negative and they help me with that unknowingly every day which I know is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father, he knew they were each exactly what I needed.
Finally the last thing I am loving lately is how much support and love I have felt from so many of you. The amount of uplifting texts, emails, comments etc has been so appreciated truly. Thank you for caring and for encouraging and for giving me perspective. It has been that every single time I have received a message of some sort from someone it has been in direct correlation with a silent prayer I have been praying for strength, so thank you for personally answering my prayers. XOXO M

Monday, October 1, 2012

The Realities of Life

The past two days I have felt as though my blood is liquid anger. I have been fairly good at not letting myself be angry through this process but these past two days have finally set me past that limit. In a lot of ways my anger is good. I am not one to fully accept my emotions and instead push them as far away as I can until I can pretend things aren't real or aren't actually happening to me. I always did want to be an actress. I don't necessarily love to feel like I am about to explode in every way possible at any given moment and that the pain and sadness is coming out of my pores in a way that make other people see the shadow of sorrow around me, but at the same time I need to embrace these feelings as well. This is a process. Mourning and learning and growing. When I am angry I let myself be even more honest than I usually am. Today I spoke with someone that I used to work with that I was close with, she asked how I was doing, how I was really doing and if I was happy. My answer came without thought or hesitation I simply said that I was lonely and wanted to be with someone that cared about me and wanted to be with me, but that I was no more lonely than I have been for the last two years. Emotionally I feel the exact same. The hard part is when I find something I think is funny or when I want to go enjoy something like a great meal or an interesting movie. But the part of my soul that yearns to discuss my inner spirit and how I see the world, or the part that wants to know that I am important to another person in an intimate and loving and trusting way is the same that it has been for a long time. I have longed for that feeling of security and I still do. Instead I am just even more guarded than I was before which even I didn't think was possible. Some days life sucks and hurts and you get a lot of awful surprises when you think "is that really who you are? Is that REALLY who you want to BE???" but at the same time I need reality to slap me in the face sometimes and man when she slaps she is a witch, my head is still reeling from all of the harsh realities. But through everything life still continues on. Life keeps going. Every day there is a choice to keep living life and to continue to grow as a person. To learn from experiences as opportunities of growth instead of challenges to try to handle. Mortal life is so interesting, some days I think I know so much and the next day I realize how much more there is to learn and although some days that can seem daunting, I also realize that I do have the capacity to learn those things. That is the secret to my happiness. Realizing I truly am capable. xo M