Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Defining Moments

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what defines people. Specifically myself. Me. Megan Keller. Megan the person. Megan the girl. Megan the spirit. Just Me. I have been trying to figure myself out. I haven't done that for a long, long time. You see I had an experience that jarred me so much that I haven't stopped thinking about it since. A few weeks ago in one of my classes we had a new instructor. She did what all new instructors do and had everyone go around the class and introduce themselves and tell us about them so that she and the class could get to know us better. Every girl before me introduced themselves with "Hi my name is----- i'm -- years old and i've been married for---- to ---- and he is just so great-----" Every. Single. Girl. Now give me that question exactly 6 weeks and three days ago and I would have been that same girl. My name is Megan and I am important and special because I have a husband, so yeah, be jealous, wish you were me. My life is complete because I have a man! BOOM! Now please don't take this as a man bashing post because it is so not. I loved being married. Even in the shittiest (excuse the bluntness) of times, and I would not take it back. And honestly I would rather be married than single. But this really has made me take a hard look at myself and how I view myself. Not that you care, but when it came to me for my answer I said "Hi my name is Megan and as you all know my life is a mess." Golden. That really was my answer. What I should have said was "Hi my name is Megan, I love to laugh, but more I love to make other people laugh. I once had an addiction to hot chocolate that I am still trying to break, and it was so bad that my dentist told me I should probably cut back to one cup of nesquick a day. My favorite smell is probably a mixture of rain and mint fields because it smells like Boise to me. I have done some really sweet things in my life and you should all get to know me because I can be a lot of fun" Or something like that. Because now after thinking and thinking and thinking I feel like THAT answer would be more accurate. See I have realized just how much I have let myself be defined by being married. By being "safe" because I am married. When I took my wedding ring off I felt like I literally stopped being 'Megan Bongiovi' and became 'Megan Keller' again. The funny thing though is that I should have been the same person, but in a lot of ways I am not. I felt like I was losing this person who was a wife and who was married and who had this experience blah blah blah and instead I just fell back into my own self. My own soul. Please don't think that this has anything with D because although partially it probably does, a lot of it is just me. I keep learning funny things about myself that I didn't realize before, like when I get nervous I rub my ring finger because I used to twist my ring, or how I would stare at my ring when I was bored, or how every thing that I talked about had to do with being married and my husband. Don't think that I think that people that talk about these things are stupid or that it is trivial because I so don't. I am more than happy for people who are in a serious committed relationship or marriage and are happy and satisfied because I would love to have that again one day. But I also don't want to limit myself like I have, not just since I have been married, but forever. My entire life I have planned my career, my goals, my looks, my ambitions to be married and settled down and to have everything a certain way. And I had all of those things and I keep realizing that that isn't exactly how my life works. It never has and it never will. There are so many things that I want to do and experience in life. Things that I want to do by myself or with someone else but things that I want to do for ME. Not for anyone else. I never want to feel terrified by someone asking me about myself and not knowing how to respond because I don't have a husband to talk about. One of my biggest fears about this whole process has been the perception of others about me. Nothing says "red flag" like being divorced by the age of 22 and that scares me. I am scared that people will think they know me before they really do because of preconceived ideas that that they about me. My sister sent me a text that said "You are not what happens to you. You are not this divorce." It was funny because that is all I had been thinking about. Ways to make it less awkward for other people. To joke about everything that has happened and try to make sure that when people say things like "Well it doesn't even seem like you are affected by this" or "You seem so happy!" and "You are so strong!! I couldn't do this" that I don't make the face that says "I am so affected by this I only just listened to that last sentence, I am trying to be positive and I can't do this either, but I don't have a choice." But when it all comes down to it, I am not a divorce. Did I go through a divorce? Yes I did. Will I still be affected by it for a long time? Of course I will, but I also don't have to let that define me. I don't have to let anything define me except for myself. I can define myself. I do not need to be defined. Wish me luck on my journey. It is a work in progress. xoxo M

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Truth Tuesday

Every day since August 5th I have been looking myself in the mirror saying "You are STRONG, you are BRAVE, and you are BEAUTIFUL" afterwards I either then say, "and you're an idiot" or I just laugh or cry. I don't feel this way. Not even close but I feel like all I can do is say it until I believe it. See August 5th was my two year wedding anniversary. A day I have celebrated monthly since I have been married and was so looking forward to. How the day turned out was exactly the opposite of how I thought it would. You see tomorrow September 5th marks our 25th monthiversary or depending on how you look at it, our two year anniversary and our one month of separation. By the end of this week our divorce might actually be finalized if not by the end of next week. There has been a lot of emotions. Obviously that was not what I was expecting to happen but I can also clearly see how Heavenly Father has been preparing me for this unexpected journey. If you are hoping for a hate session on my soon to be ex husband don't waste your time by reading my blog any longer because that is not going to happen. My relationship with D has been very unconventional from the very beginning as is our divorce. We do not hate each other, we aren't bitter, we aren't trying to hurt each other. We are actually still best friends and get along as we always have, better as friends than we do as spouses. We have been mourning together as well as laughing and continuing on together. There is no doubt both of our lives are going to drastically change, we are both taking two very different paths that we both want for our lives. We have been joking by saying that we are going to "die" so we might as well be happy together while we can because once it is done it is done and we will both have a new life. I honestly want nothing more than for D to have a happy and satisfied life and that is what he wants for me as well. As far as a divorce goes, I don't think it can be much better. I will never ever say that I regret getting married to D. I would do it again knowing everything that I know now. I have learned so much. Especially about myself. I would be lying if I said that I have had complete peace and contentment through this process. I haven't. I have had multiple impulses to do the exact opposite of everything I have been taught and that I believe to be right. At one point all I really wanted to do was get completely drunk, the kind where you can't feel your face (or something like that I've never done this so i'm not sure the exact description but you get my point) I had that opportunity to, multiple times and even though I wanted to I couldn't. I cannot deny what I know to be true and right in my heart. If anything else I have only become stronger as a person. I feel as though I have complete clarity in what I know what I want in my life and my soul is peaceful. I could not ask for anything more than that at this point. Here is to another day. I hope you lovelies have been well. XOXO M