today I am sad

today I am sad. today I cried in the bathroom of my school three separate times. I hate being sad. I hate crying. today marked 3 months that I have officially been divorced. today I also found out that D is dating someone else. this makes me sad, not because it isn't me, and not because I want him, but because it just causes even more of a finality with it. I have been dating since three days after our divorce, I have no room to talk or judge and I don't, honestly I want him to be happy and if being with someone makes him happy then that is good with me. some days though, it still doesn't feel quite real. some days i feel like he is just deployed and is going to come home. two weeks ago i rented out our house and i couldn't control my emotions then, driving up to the house I literally got excited thinking Dutch was in the backyard and that D was downstairs watching TV just waiting for me to get home. it is a weird reality that, that won't ever be my reality again. yet through all of my sadness I still know this is for the better. we both are better off. we really are.

Truth Tuesday: The Symbolism of My Jewelry

Hello Darlings, I've been missing you, I have been wanting to write but it seems every time I think to write I can't. For some reason Truth Tuesday just frees my mind up and I seem to be jabber on non stop. Anyway, today I am talking about some of my favorite pieces of jewelry. If you know me, you know that I love jewelry. It is sentimental and meaningful to me, there is always something behind it. Jewelry is one of my favorite presents and carries a lot of history to me.

The day D left I took off my wedding rings. Now those of you who read my blog when I was still married, know how much I loved my wedding ring. The symbolism of the circle as a never ending bond, and an outward sign of love and committment for another is a very romantic notion to me. Aside from that, I searched and searched for the ring that I loved the most and it was that one. It symbolized in my mind so much more than just marriage, to me it was a sign that I did everything I could to be able to go to the Temple worthily and get married for time and all eternity, it symbolized to me that I had someone who loved me and looked out for me, it said to me that I mattered. Taking those rings off just about broke me, because even though they were as ever bit of lovely as they were when I got them, they didn't mean those things anymore and instead seemed like a jarring sign of my failure and brokenness. The day after D left I went shopping just to try to keep my mind off of my current situation and I came across this darling little Juicy Couture bracelet. The delicacy of the chain and the simpleness of the bow was unlike my usual large and gaudy style, but there was just something about it that instantly became my new symbol of courage. The first thing I thought of when seeing it was of when people used to tie a piece of string around their finger in a bow to remind them of something, instantaneously the thought came to my mind "remember you deserve better" I bought it that day and put it on as soon as I got in the car and haven't taken it off since. It is an everyday reminder to me, from myself that I DO deserve to be treated better. Going back to my wedding rings, when Drew and I first decided we really were going to get married we had no money at all, we were 19 and spontaneous. I knew that the large diamond rings I wanted weren't even plausible but I didn't care, I said I just wanted a ring saying that I was his. We had been ring shopping too many times to count but we went again just for fun. That day I asked him what kind of ring he wanted and he picked one out as well. As soon as he tried on his ring I knew it was a done deal for both of us even though we acted like nothing changed. Later that day I went back and bought his ring knowing I would just keep it until he decided it was time for us to be married. Little did I know, he had bought me a delicate little band until he could get me a real ring. Three days later he came and picked me up from school and was so excited he couldn't help but just hand me the box with the ring in it. I was so excited, I don't think i'll ever forget that feeling. We went and picked up his ring and we both wore our rings until three weeks later when we bought my wedding ring. Although I am selling my wedding ring, I just couldn't part with my little band or his. The memory of that was such a happy one it was really hard for me to let it go. I finally decided that instead of selling them to someone else I would trade them in towards a different ring just for myself. Not to hold on to the past, but to remind myself that there were good things behind me, and there are good things ahead of me.

I am the captain of my fate and I am looking forward to my journey ahead.

Mind Reader

Some days I wish I was a mind reader. I want to know what exactly people think when they see me, talk to me, get a text/phone call from me. Most days I am glad that I don't know because it would probably hurt me more than help me, but other days when I see specific people I just want to know. Today for example I wanted to know what are you thinking right now? Is it weird that I am your ex wife? Is it weird that I'm not smiling and trying to make you happy like I used to? What do you think of my hair? Are you proud of me for not letting you break me? Can you see that i'm stronger? Do you realize that when you broke me you did me a favor? Do I look better? Do I look worse? Do you wish things were different? Do you miss me? Are you surprised that I don't need you? Can you see that I don't want you? Do you see that I finally understand I deserve to be treated better? I hope you can see that I will never settle again. To say the least today has been an emotional day and that is ok. I hate feeling anything, it makes me feel weak, but I am learning that when I really feel things that is when I become my strongest because then I can overcome my biggest weaknesses and fears. There is nothing that I cannot overcome through Heavenly Father's help and for that I am thankful. I don't need anyone else. I am enough.

Ode to Nat-Bat

Today my very best friend in Utah took off for Arlington Texas. It even sounds like a hellhole. Anyway I will begin my "ode." The first time I ever saw Natalie was on October 30, 2009. I interviewed at Sports Academy for the first time that day and had a cute boy waiting to go ring shopping with me in the parking lot at the time. During my interview Natalie came back to get something and was introduced to me as the activities director, in my mind I automatically created who she was probably late twenties, 3-4 kids at home, part time job, VERY LDS. When I actually started working for Sports Academy in early January I didn't think twice about Natalie until she asked me if I knew how to speak Spanish. Thinking it was a joke I responded with "si" and she asked if I could help her with her Spanish homework. That is when I found out she was actually just a year and a half older than I was, and in college, a history major which I thought was really cool. We chit-chatted a few times later until it was around her birthday and she was talking about getting "plastered" I basically died laughing until I realized she was serious and found out she wasn't LDS at all and was from Reno Nevada. I don't know why, but after that our friendship blossomed, and fast. I think we both recognized that we were both from towns very different from Logan Utah. We related over places we had and wanted to travel. We talked boys, she was the first person who knew my entire story about "the missionary I almost married" and was there for when I was engaged and then married. Natalie also was there for me when I said I was thinking about leaving D, she encouraged me to stick things out it had only been 3 months, she was the first person aside from Tippy and my Parents who I told that D had cheated on me, and was the first to say that people make mistakes and to give him a chance to redeem himself, she was the person who I knew I could cry in front of and talk to about all of my inner demons, and how badly I just wanted to end my life. Morbid and poor her, but she was always there and instead of telling me I was an idiot, or worse pitying me, she talked me through, She has talked me through everything for the past almost 3 years non stop. She has been the person who I tell scary things, funny things, COMPLETELY inappropriate things, hopes and goals to. She was the first person who told me how bad D looked when she saw him after our divorce knowing that I needed to hear it even if it wasn't true, she also glared at him and was a total brat and even now hates him for me because she knows that SOMEONE in my life needs to. She has been my voice of reason and laughter and more times than I can count someone that I can trust and in my life, especially in the last few years that has been about 5 people. As soon as she knew that I was getting a divorce she found a deal to go to California knowing I had never been to Disneyland and how badly I wanted to go to the Ocean. In May I had asked her if she wanted to go to Carrie Underwood with me, she told me she had gone 4 times, we decided not to go, and she surprised me with tickets for my birthday. Remember how I said I wanted a Christmas tree so badly? Well Natalie knew that and got her boyfriend's truck last, (the night before they drive to TEXAS)to help me get a Christmas tree even though she is allergic to them, (which she told me when we were picking one out.)She has just been one of the few people that has just got me, automatically. I can't think of a time that we have ever been angry at each other for longer than an hour, and that is saying something when it comes to two hard heads like us, she has never judged and has always encouraged me to be my best self. Natalie truly is one of the most Christ like people that I know. She is a completely real and genuine person. She sees people for what they are and doesn't judge them based on it, only encourages them. She has the biggest heart and is the most stubborn hard-hearted ass I have ever met. I will miss her more than I can think about, but I know that she is following the best path for her and I can't wait to hear about her new journey. I love you Nat-Bat, thank you for being everything I have needed so badly for so long, I literally wouldn't be alive without you. You're the greatest. Below I have added some of our pictures, somehow we always make the weirdest faces and catch them on pictures, but I think that fits us better than anything else.

Truth Tuesday

Hello Lovelies, I hope you had a fabulous Thanksgiving filled with all of the delicious food not the weird random crap food that sometimes shows up, you know what I mean? Anyway, Truth Tuesday. *I want a Christmas Tree so, so, so much. So much. I was going to get one today but I don't have a truck and then I got a little angry because really!?! I did a few months ago and I don't like feeling like I have to ask someone else to help me do something that I want to do. Yeah I know that's not like a huge thing, but to me I just don't like to ask people for help, ever, then I did today, the person who I wanted to help me said no, then someone else said they would but I wasn't in the mood after that to do it anymore. *Aren't emotions annoying? I think they are. Very much so actually. Here I was doing so good, I was learning and growing and getting stronger and in a better spot than I was (which are all great things) then I started to kind of like a boy, like him enough I was with him A LOT and when he said "girlfriend" I even considered it for like 5 minutes before I said I wasn't read yet. Seems he wasn't ready for me yet either, just at all as a human though, and that is really ok, but it still kind of hurts. Compared to divorce it's minuscule like tearing a bandaid off versus losing all of your limbs and 98% of your body being burned in a fire (I could go on but I think I'll stop for now) anyway it wasn't a huge thing but it still hurt, the funny thing with this whole dating crap is that it constantly goes up and down and could change either way at any moment. Disconcerting to say the least. So for now I am determined to stay true to what I have been saying and to put myself first before any guy, so that I can learn that my priorities and wants and needs are important and SHOULD be a priority in a relationship also. So many things to learn. *Today I had a strong pain of nostalgia, I was sitting in my new church building waiting to do tithing settlement, when I smelled a delicious, heavenly, man, smell (that's really the only way to describe it honestly) and I looked over and my mouth dropped, not joking, because the human man species next to me was so physically attractive. I instinctively turned away promptly but man he was good looking. And really that is saying something because although I don't necessarily date based on physical appearance at all, I am a pretty good critic when it comes down to it and most guys don't get that high of ratings, but he would have gotten a 10 and I can't even think of another person that I have ever actually seen in person that I would give that to, anyway, the reason the nostalgia hit was because for a second I so strongly wished that I was a freshmen in college again, fresh, and new and naive. I wished Tippy was there with me and knew that if it would have been back then she would have said something to said Greek God Stallion and I would have been mortified and also so proud and we would have discussed finding out how to run into him often and to stalk him on facebook and every time we ran into him we would both give each other our "look" of remember how..... and then laugh together. I missed that so strongly and also I wished that I could be courageous enough to say hi to him strictly on the principle that he was a cute guy but I am way to scared. WAY TOO SCARED. But I do hope I at least see him again sometime at church. *You want to know what is a little awkward? Skyping with your ex-husband who is deployed and not having it be awkward at all, in my head I'm like "Hey! Why aren't we being mean I think most divorced people are mean to each other!! Why isn't this awkward!?!" But it isn't awkward and that is nice in the same way too, even though there are still emotions and ties, at the same time it is like we have both put it past us and are still ok. I like that. I like being ok. Really I am ok. When it all comes down to it, I really am. Like Really. *One more. I might get a tattoo. Go ahead and judge me, that's fine I won't mind, but the good news is that today it occurred to me that just because I get a tattoo doesn't mean I have to leave the church, for some reason in my head that correlated and I didn't want to leave the church but I also want a tattoo and to just feel completely free to make my own decisions, I'm such an extremist I feel bad for my brain most days. I think that is all for now. I hope you all have a lovely day. XOXO M

To Give Thanks

I am grateful that broken things can be fixed. That wounds heal. That time passes. That seasons change. That flowers bloom. That life, above all else, really does just keep going. That families are forever. That people have agency. That challenges are an opportunity to grow. That happiness is a choice, not a destination. That forgiveness is real and purifying. That laughter is infectious. For the ability to smile through bad seconds, minutes, hours, days, months. For new beginnings. First Kisses. Hot chocolate. Cute clothes. An education that makes me satisfied. For having more friends that are girls than are boys for once in my life. For being alive and wanting to be. For being appreciated. For being thought of by kind, generous, wonderful people. Make.Up. For butterflies from holding hands. The best parents in the whole world. Nail Polish. Learning and trying new things. For learning to love myself. Music. Funny things. Root beer. For being able to keep going. For being Strong. Being Brave. and in my own way, Being Beautiful. I hope you all have a wonderful time and are sharing wonderful things with people you love. xoxox M

Let's Party!

But seriously I wish I could throw a huge party. We would title it "PITY PARTY!!" Not so that we can all get together and have a pity party with me but so that all of the people that pity me but are so sweet and thoughtful can come and have fun. I really wish this were possible to do. I have had so many kind words and texts, and emails and quotes and scriptures etc from so many caring, thoughtful, wonderful people so thank you so much. I am very thankful that my bitterness and anger can at least be sated because there are so many people who are selfless and take time out of their day to make mine. I can't even tell you the amount of times I have read and re-read all of the comments and emails and encouragements I have received from people who know me well and people who don't know me at all but care enough that they wish me happiness. So here's to you guys! Too bad I can't throw a huge bash to celebrate awesome nice people! If I could, we would have a ball, believe that! There would be lots of dancing, and singing and bounce houses and foam pits and paint (just because that sounds exciting) and a swimming pool! And we would drink sparkling pink lemonade and hot chocolate with salmon and filet mignon and triple chocolate Bavarian! Not to mention cotton candy as a pallet cleanser Yum. Someday when I'm a rich old lady and I die maybe I'll sponsor like 15 huge parties like that at orphanages. Complimentary rock candy suckers will also be provided on the way out....... Getting carried away? Alright i'm done. But for real, thanks for the kindness I don't deserve it but I am so glad that I have had it, it's been a literal God send. xo M