On: The Happenings in My Life

Guys, I have been so busy being, so, extremely happy that I really haven't had time for much else. My laundry pile can attest to this. Things in my life have taken a completely unexpected turn, that is so wonderful and fabulous, in a way I have been harboring it from everything. I want to protect it and keep it safe. These past weeks though, have been an emotional doosy, in a matter of four days my best friend told me she had cervical cancer, my dad had a severe heart attack and my sister had several complications with in-vitro. Emotional wreck would be the way I would have described myself but in a way I was able to hold it together much more than I thought I would be able to thanks to K. It is amazing how no matter what there are always trials in life, some much harder than others, but when you are doing what you know to be the right thing, and following the spirit, and have people in your life who encourage you and recognize Heavenly Father's plan in your life, how even in those extremely difficult and challenging times you know that everything will be ok. I remember a time, not long before the divorce was finalized that D looked me in the face and said he hoped that I would find a man who would treat me the way that I deserved to be treated and that he hoped for it sooner rather than later. The term blood boiling, I realized then was actually a factual term because I had never once felt my blood feel so hot; I wanted to slap him across the face as hard as I possibly could because that is exactly the way I felt he had just done to me with his words, I remember taking a literal step back from the pain that ensued in my body, the fact that he could so calmly and with complete (rare) honesty tell me that to my face made me realize just how far gone and on different pages we were. I couldn't believe that he could so easily see me as a thing of the past, that he would want someone else to do what he had promised me, and Heavenly Father that HE would do, and that he wouldn't even think twice about it. Now however, I feel nothing but sincere gratitude towards D. I really do, and I told him so. He had the foresight that I didn't have, he hoped for me something that I didn't even think possible for myself, finding someone who would love and appreciate me in a pure way without expecting anything in return. Although I do not regret marrying D still, I am so thankful now that he let me go when he decided to take a different path from the one that I was on, if he hadn't I wouldn't be here, where I am now, and this place is so, so good. But that story is for a different blog, so if you would like to continue on with me on my new journey go to strongbravebeautiful.blogspot.com XOXO M

Smiles

Things that are making me smile lately: my fresh as spring grass green toenail polish, my freckles that have been surfacing ever since giving in to the occasional skin bake to escape this frozen existence I call home, getting asked on a date by a boy I was really hoping would ask, doing something I love to do every day, the number that keeps lowering on the scale, my 6 month sinus infection that FINALLY is going away, the blissful rays of sun that have been appearing more frequently the past few days, the piano guys, the fact that it is February my ultimate favorite month, xoxo M

Memoirs of my Memories

Oh Hello. It's been a while, it has. And all I have for you is gibberish, but at this point what else would you expect really? Do you ever have those moments when you find yourself reminiscing about days passed. Like years and years passed? I keep doing this, but they are so vivid that it is like they just barely happened. It is the strangest thing and it is making me homesick for my dear love Boise in an unbelievable, heart-wrenching way. For example, I have relived driving to Ontario Oregon for my soccer tournament when I was in 4th grade with so much detail that I am excited for the treats at the end of the game and my silly medal for winning, I have gone on my first date about 15 times and can remember my hair, outfit, the stench of the drunk woman in line in front of us for the Ferris Wheel and her pole dancing the entire ride (always classy), I have been at Boise Towne Square (the mall, my haven, my safe-place, you get the point) so many times over my lifespan I have been yearning for plaid shirts from third grade, converse shoes from fifth, sparkly pants from Limited Too from 6th etc, I have been hiding in our raspberry patch, climbing our big tree before we cut it down, cleaning my neighbors house, riding my bikes to see the owls, hiding from my scary neighbors who owned said property with the owls, I have been in the car dancing with my best friends being 17 and feeling so full of life, I have been 19 and leaving my house for the last time before moving to Utah, I have been 18 and breaking up with D for the first time when he showed up with flowers at my front door, I have been learning how to drive stick-shift for the 5th time from the 5th country boy who did a "day on the farm" date, I have been 6 and going to kindergarten for the second time, the list goes on and on. It is strange to feel 6 years old and then suddenly be taking a test, or feeling 16 and nervous for a date and driving to work, or thinking i'm going to the mall when I am on my way to the gym. In some ways these things have made me lonely for my friends, for my life in Boise, for the past, but also it has been such a good reminder of so many good memories I have involving so many amazing people. It is ok that life just keeps on going, if it didn't I would still be 8 at a soccer tournament and not know some of the very sweetest memories I have had up to date. The hard times and sad times are still so worth it in comparison to all of the beautiful, fulfilling, joyful moments I have experienced, and my soul keeps reminding me that I have many more of those to come. Xoxo M

today I am sad

today I am sad. today I cried in the bathroom of my school three separate times. I hate being sad. I hate crying. today marked 3 months that I have officially been divorced. today I also found out that D is dating someone else. this makes me sad, not because it isn't me, and not because I want him, but because it just causes even more of a finality with it. I have been dating since three days after our divorce, I have no room to talk or judge and I don't, honestly I want him to be happy and if being with someone makes him happy then that is good with me. some days though, it still doesn't feel quite real. some days i feel like he is just deployed and is going to come home. two weeks ago i rented out our house and i couldn't control my emotions then, driving up to the house I literally got excited thinking Dutch was in the backyard and that D was downstairs watching TV just waiting for me to get home. it is a weird reality that, that won't ever be my reality again. yet through all of my sadness I still know this is for the better. we both are better off. we really are.

Truth Tuesday: The Symbolism of My Jewelry

Hello Darlings, I've been missing you, I have been wanting to write but it seems every time I think to write I can't. For some reason Truth Tuesday just frees my mind up and I seem to be jabber on non stop. Anyway, today I am talking about some of my favorite pieces of jewelry. If you know me, you know that I love jewelry. It is sentimental and meaningful to me, there is always something behind it. Jewelry is one of my favorite presents and carries a lot of history to me.

The day D left I took off my wedding rings. Now those of you who read my blog when I was still married, know how much I loved my wedding ring. The symbolism of the circle as a never ending bond, and an outward sign of love and committment for another is a very romantic notion to me. Aside from that, I searched and searched for the ring that I loved the most and it was that one. It symbolized in my mind so much more than just marriage, to me it was a sign that I did everything I could to be able to go to the Temple worthily and get married for time and all eternity, it symbolized to me that I had someone who loved me and looked out for me, it said to me that I mattered. Taking those rings off just about broke me, because even though they were as ever bit of lovely as they were when I got them, they didn't mean those things anymore and instead seemed like a jarring sign of my failure and brokenness. The day after D left I went shopping just to try to keep my mind off of my current situation and I came across this darling little Juicy Couture bracelet. The delicacy of the chain and the simpleness of the bow was unlike my usual large and gaudy style, but there was just something about it that instantly became my new symbol of courage. The first thing I thought of when seeing it was of when people used to tie a piece of string around their finger in a bow to remind them of something, instantaneously the thought came to my mind "remember you deserve better" I bought it that day and put it on as soon as I got in the car and haven't taken it off since. It is an everyday reminder to me, from myself that I DO deserve to be treated better. Going back to my wedding rings, when Drew and I first decided we really were going to get married we had no money at all, we were 19 and spontaneous. I knew that the large diamond rings I wanted weren't even plausible but I didn't care, I said I just wanted a ring saying that I was his. We had been ring shopping too many times to count but we went again just for fun. That day I asked him what kind of ring he wanted and he picked one out as well. As soon as he tried on his ring I knew it was a done deal for both of us even though we acted like nothing changed. Later that day I went back and bought his ring knowing I would just keep it until he decided it was time for us to be married. Little did I know, he had bought me a delicate little band until he could get me a real ring. Three days later he came and picked me up from school and was so excited he couldn't help but just hand me the box with the ring in it. I was so excited, I don't think i'll ever forget that feeling. We went and picked up his ring and we both wore our rings until three weeks later when we bought my wedding ring. Although I am selling my wedding ring, I just couldn't part with my little band or his. The memory of that was such a happy one it was really hard for me to let it go. I finally decided that instead of selling them to someone else I would trade them in towards a different ring just for myself. Not to hold on to the past, but to remind myself that there were good things behind me, and there are good things ahead of me.

I am the captain of my fate and I am looking forward to my journey ahead.

Mind Reader

Some days I wish I was a mind reader. I want to know what exactly people think when they see me, talk to me, get a text/phone call from me. Most days I am glad that I don't know because it would probably hurt me more than help me, but other days when I see specific people I just want to know. Today for example I wanted to know what are you thinking right now? Is it weird that I am your ex wife? Is it weird that I'm not smiling and trying to make you happy like I used to? What do you think of my hair? Are you proud of me for not letting you break me? Can you see that i'm stronger? Do you realize that when you broke me you did me a favor? Do I look better? Do I look worse? Do you wish things were different? Do you miss me? Are you surprised that I don't need you? Can you see that I don't want you? Do you see that I finally understand I deserve to be treated better? I hope you can see that I will never settle again. To say the least today has been an emotional day and that is ok. I hate feeling anything, it makes me feel weak, but I am learning that when I really feel things that is when I become my strongest because then I can overcome my biggest weaknesses and fears. There is nothing that I cannot overcome through Heavenly Father's help and for that I am thankful. I don't need anyone else. I am enough.

Ode to Nat-Bat

Today my very best friend in Utah took off for Arlington Texas. It even sounds like a hellhole. Anyway I will begin my "ode." The first time I ever saw Natalie was on October 30, 2009. I interviewed at Sports Academy for the first time that day and had a cute boy waiting to go ring shopping with me in the parking lot at the time. During my interview Natalie came back to get something and was introduced to me as the activities director, in my mind I automatically created who she was probably late twenties, 3-4 kids at home, part time job, VERY LDS. When I actually started working for Sports Academy in early January I didn't think twice about Natalie until she asked me if I knew how to speak Spanish. Thinking it was a joke I responded with "si" and she asked if I could help her with her Spanish homework. That is when I found out she was actually just a year and a half older than I was, and in college, a history major which I thought was really cool. We chit-chatted a few times later until it was around her birthday and she was talking about getting "plastered" I basically died laughing until I realized she was serious and found out she wasn't LDS at all and was from Reno Nevada. I don't know why, but after that our friendship blossomed, and fast. I think we both recognized that we were both from towns very different from Logan Utah. We related over places we had and wanted to travel. We talked boys, she was the first person who knew my entire story about "the missionary I almost married" and was there for when I was engaged and then married. Natalie also was there for me when I said I was thinking about leaving D, she encouraged me to stick things out it had only been 3 months, she was the first person aside from Tippy and my Parents who I told that D had cheated on me, and was the first to say that people make mistakes and to give him a chance to redeem himself, she was the person who I knew I could cry in front of and talk to about all of my inner demons, and how badly I just wanted to end my life. Morbid and poor her, but she was always there and instead of telling me I was an idiot, or worse pitying me, she talked me through, She has talked me through everything for the past almost 3 years non stop. She has been the person who I tell scary things, funny things, COMPLETELY inappropriate things, hopes and goals to. She was the first person who told me how bad D looked when she saw him after our divorce knowing that I needed to hear it even if it wasn't true, she also glared at him and was a total brat and even now hates him for me because she knows that SOMEONE in my life needs to. She has been my voice of reason and laughter and more times than I can count someone that I can trust and in my life, especially in the last few years that has been about 5 people. As soon as she knew that I was getting a divorce she found a deal to go to California knowing I had never been to Disneyland and how badly I wanted to go to the Ocean. In May I had asked her if she wanted to go to Carrie Underwood with me, she told me she had gone 4 times, we decided not to go, and she surprised me with tickets for my birthday. Remember how I said I wanted a Christmas tree so badly? Well Natalie knew that and got her boyfriend's truck last, (the night before they drive to TEXAS)to help me get a Christmas tree even though she is allergic to them, (which she told me when we were picking one out.)She has just been one of the few people that has just got me, automatically. I can't think of a time that we have ever been angry at each other for longer than an hour, and that is saying something when it comes to two hard heads like us, she has never judged and has always encouraged me to be my best self. Natalie truly is one of the most Christ like people that I know. She is a completely real and genuine person. She sees people for what they are and doesn't judge them based on it, only encourages them. She has the biggest heart and is the most stubborn hard-hearted ass I have ever met. I will miss her more than I can think about, but I know that she is following the best path for her and I can't wait to hear about her new journey. I love you Nat-Bat, thank you for being everything I have needed so badly for so long, I literally wouldn't be alive without you. You're the greatest. Below I have added some of our pictures, somehow we always make the weirdest faces and catch them on pictures, but I think that fits us better than anything else.

Truth Tuesday

Hello Lovelies, I hope you had a fabulous Thanksgiving filled with all of the delicious food not the weird random crap food that sometimes shows up, you know what I mean? Anyway, Truth Tuesday. *I want a Christmas Tree so, so, so much. So much. I was going to get one today but I don't have a truck and then I got a little angry because really!?! I did a few months ago and I don't like feeling like I have to ask someone else to help me do something that I want to do. Yeah I know that's not like a huge thing, but to me I just don't like to ask people for help, ever, then I did today, the person who I wanted to help me said no, then someone else said they would but I wasn't in the mood after that to do it anymore. *Aren't emotions annoying? I think they are. Very much so actually. Here I was doing so good, I was learning and growing and getting stronger and in a better spot than I was (which are all great things) then I started to kind of like a boy, like him enough I was with him A LOT and when he said "girlfriend" I even considered it for like 5 minutes before I said I wasn't read yet. Seems he wasn't ready for me yet either, just at all as a human though, and that is really ok, but it still kind of hurts. Compared to divorce it's minuscule like tearing a bandaid off versus losing all of your limbs and 98% of your body being burned in a fire (I could go on but I think I'll stop for now) anyway it wasn't a huge thing but it still hurt, the funny thing with this whole dating crap is that it constantly goes up and down and could change either way at any moment. Disconcerting to say the least. So for now I am determined to stay true to what I have been saying and to put myself first before any guy, so that I can learn that my priorities and wants and needs are important and SHOULD be a priority in a relationship also. So many things to learn. *Today I had a strong pain of nostalgia, I was sitting in my new church building waiting to do tithing settlement, when I smelled a delicious, heavenly, man, smell (that's really the only way to describe it honestly) and I looked over and my mouth dropped, not joking, because the human man species next to me was so physically attractive. I instinctively turned away promptly but man he was good looking. And really that is saying something because although I don't necessarily date based on physical appearance at all, I am a pretty good critic when it comes down to it and most guys don't get that high of ratings, but he would have gotten a 10 and I can't even think of another person that I have ever actually seen in person that I would give that to, anyway, the reason the nostalgia hit was because for a second I so strongly wished that I was a freshmen in college again, fresh, and new and naive. I wished Tippy was there with me and knew that if it would have been back then she would have said something to said Greek God Stallion and I would have been mortified and also so proud and we would have discussed finding out how to run into him often and to stalk him on facebook and every time we ran into him we would both give each other our "look" of remember how..... and then laugh together. I missed that so strongly and also I wished that I could be courageous enough to say hi to him strictly on the principle that he was a cute guy but I am way to scared. WAY TOO SCARED. But I do hope I at least see him again sometime at church. *You want to know what is a little awkward? Skyping with your ex-husband who is deployed and not having it be awkward at all, in my head I'm like "Hey! Why aren't we being mean I think most divorced people are mean to each other!! Why isn't this awkward!?!" But it isn't awkward and that is nice in the same way too, even though there are still emotions and ties, at the same time it is like we have both put it past us and are still ok. I like that. I like being ok. Really I am ok. When it all comes down to it, I really am. Like Really. *One more. I might get a tattoo. Go ahead and judge me, that's fine I won't mind, but the good news is that today it occurred to me that just because I get a tattoo doesn't mean I have to leave the church, for some reason in my head that correlated and I didn't want to leave the church but I also want a tattoo and to just feel completely free to make my own decisions, I'm such an extremist I feel bad for my brain most days. I think that is all for now. I hope you all have a lovely day. XOXO M

To Give Thanks

I am grateful that broken things can be fixed. That wounds heal. That time passes. That seasons change. That flowers bloom. That life, above all else, really does just keep going. That families are forever. That people have agency. That challenges are an opportunity to grow. That happiness is a choice, not a destination. That forgiveness is real and purifying. That laughter is infectious. For the ability to smile through bad seconds, minutes, hours, days, months. For new beginnings. First Kisses. Hot chocolate. Cute clothes. An education that makes me satisfied. For having more friends that are girls than are boys for once in my life. For being alive and wanting to be. For being appreciated. For being thought of by kind, generous, wonderful people. Make.Up. For butterflies from holding hands. The best parents in the whole world. Nail Polish. Learning and trying new things. For learning to love myself. Music. Funny things. Root beer. For being able to keep going. For being Strong. Being Brave. and in my own way, Being Beautiful. I hope you all have a wonderful time and are sharing wonderful things with people you love. xoxox M

Let's Party!

But seriously I wish I could throw a huge party. We would title it "PITY PARTY!!" Not so that we can all get together and have a pity party with me but so that all of the people that pity me but are so sweet and thoughtful can come and have fun. I really wish this were possible to do. I have had so many kind words and texts, and emails and quotes and scriptures etc from so many caring, thoughtful, wonderful people so thank you so much. I am very thankful that my bitterness and anger can at least be sated because there are so many people who are selfless and take time out of their day to make mine. I can't even tell you the amount of times I have read and re-read all of the comments and emails and encouragements I have received from people who know me well and people who don't know me at all but care enough that they wish me happiness. So here's to you guys! Too bad I can't throw a huge bash to celebrate awesome nice people! If I could, we would have a ball, believe that! There would be lots of dancing, and singing and bounce houses and foam pits and paint (just because that sounds exciting) and a swimming pool! And we would drink sparkling pink lemonade and hot chocolate with salmon and filet mignon and triple chocolate Bavarian! Not to mention cotton candy as a pallet cleanser Yum. Someday when I'm a rich old lady and I die maybe I'll sponsor like 15 huge parties like that at orphanages. Complimentary rock candy suckers will also be provided on the way out....... Getting carried away? Alright i'm done. But for real, thanks for the kindness I don't deserve it but I am so glad that I have had it, it's been a literal God send. xo M

Truth Tuesday

You know how T-Swift is singing basically every girl's life on her new CD? (according to Facebook, Instagram and Blogger anyway) Well she is definitely singing mine over and over and over. Thanks Tay ha. So since this whole divorce thing has been happening I have really needed to have a distraction. I love to read and well, I chose Harry Potter. I don't even know what number that was that I have read books #1-4 honestly. Yeah I'm a closet nerd and I am not even embarrassed. Like at all. I am in the middle of book 5 so there you go. Let's talk about awkward things. Here is awkward, being divorced at 22, being LDS, living in a college town where now i'm considered almost "old" because i'm not 18/19 now and being back in the dating scene. Yeah it's freaking awesome. What is even more awkward is when you talk to someone (a guy) and you are just being friendly and he takes it as you want to date him and stops talking to you. Yeah, no, I actually really was just curious how you were doing...... so..... now I hope it's crappy? False I don't really, but that was awkward. Second awkward is when you ARE flirting and then the guy thinks you are being friendly. So. Great. No. More. When talking with Tan Tan and one of her guy friends the other night I was saying how awkward things are, I don't know how to put myself out there, I just feel like a weirdo etc. Then her friend said, "well Megan, more guys would probably talked to you if you stopped reading Harry Potter!" HAHA!!! I laughed and said , I would rather Harry Potter anyways so lets just keep it how it is then. Lately I have been extremely emotional. I overall am not a huge crier, normally I have to just get really, really mad and that is when I cry but lately all I do is cry. And when I mean cry, I mean literally all of a sudden burst into tears and hysterics and sob and literally have to pull my car over cause I can't see when driving kind of driving. Things have just been hitting me a lot lately and I think I have just been holding in so many emotions that I physically can't hold them back. Pathetic but true. See I don't tell people this in person, but on my blog I do because this is my outlet and I need to get it out somewhere. So here it is out. My poor Mom has had to listen to me for hours ranting and raving and crying and yelling and being unresponsive over and over and over again. I wish I wouldn't do that. My emotional state to put it lightly would probably be considered volatile. I just miss my best friend. Unfortunately He is who I talked to about everything, always. I have been having withdrawals from that. Even after everything I still miss him, then that makes me angry and more sad and then I get mad at myself, and then people tell me I have "no self respect because normal people wouldn't miss their ex husband who cheated and lied and didn't care about you and left you on your anniversary and who will never really care about you anyway get over it already" logically I understand that. Emotionally I still don't. I am trying. I had just accepted my life the way it was, chose to ignore those things, and tried to make the best of it when He did care, and when he did want me and when he was around. I am convinced that marriage again is not for me. I just don't think I will be able to truly trust anyone after all of this and I think that might be ok anyway. I have wanted to be the favorite aunt anyway, so now I just really will be. Disneyland was so fun. I plan on documenting that trip sometime since I took a shiz ton of pictures. Guys, in two weeks I will officially be on the books at school. Meaning I can take appointments. Meaning I will be working on real people. Meaning I'm scared out of my mind but also really really excited at the same time. Scary. One last thing, remember how I have said forever how I have been wanting to work on being healthier? Well guess what? I have been doing a pretty good job. I have so far lost 14 pounds and I am hoping to lose another 8-10 by Thanksgiving. I still have a really, really long way to go, but I feel strong doing this because I didn't think I could. My weight was my protection in a way when I found out about the infidelity issue and emotionally I have been fighting it for over a year and a half because I just felt like I couldn't do it and that I didn't want to do it and now that I actually AM doing it, it feels good. Wish me luck. And give me any tips you have because I will take and can use them all!! Hope you had a good day, Happy Halloween tomorrow! xoxo M

These days I don't really believe in love. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust anyone's intentions. I just feel like everyone only cares about themselves and the idea of caring about someone more than myself again seems really, really foolish. It's when I feel like this that I am the most grateful for the gospel in my life. Even though I don't feel like I deserve the blessings that I have received in my life, or that I continue to be blessed with, I am reassured that I have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ whose love is one that I know my mortal mind wouldn't even be able to understand. I am grateful for the constant encouragement I feel from them even when I feel that I can't do it anymore. Not another day, not another step, not another fake smile, not another anything, I am lifted up and can continue. I am also grateful for my family, most days I feel like somewhere up in Heaven when we got to decide what families we would be with, I must have begged and begged to be with mine because I don't deserve any of them one bit. I am very blessed, even on my hardest and worst days. There is always something to be grateful for. M

"Do You Hear That? It's the Sound of a New Start...."

See: Now is the Start by A Fine Frenzy It is sucha great song, it is so peppy :) Especially coming from A Fine Frenzy, I really love her music but normally she is more like Adele and less like Elle Goulding but I like it. Today I would like to talk about shiz. That's all I really talk about anyways but I might as well keep that up right? One thing that keeps cracking me up is the amount of people that keep telling me "Don't worry, there's someone out there for you, just be patient." Don't get me wrong I think that is really nice that people think that someone else would be willing to take a chance on me at this point, or in the future, or whenever, that is nice. But I have a few issues with that because it's like no one even considered that maybe I don't WANT to be with anyone else? Yeah I get that I have always had at least one (5) guys attached at the hip at all times most of my life, but I have started learning that I don't need a dude to be happy. Not in the slightest. Sometimes it is nice to think something and feel something and not be inclined to have to share it with anyone but myself and be able to appreciate it for what it is, a good thought, or a happy feeling and appreciate myself without having to seek validation from another person. But at the same time if you know a cool single dude that wants to hang out with a cool crazy girl, hook a sister up you know what i'm saying? (ha!!) Anyway lets get to the real point of this point, I have an ongoing list of some things I need to do in the next year and maybe a little longer ish that I am already looking forward to. I love to celebrate things, life, this journey, in general. I have been feeling really grateful lately just realizing how many possibilities are out there just waiting for me to go and experience them, and I fully intend to. So here goes, *Go to DISNEYLAND!! (yayayayayayayayay!!!! I'm going next week so so excited!!!!!!) *Go SKYDIVING! (this will be happening on February 24th, my half birthday since I didn't have as big of a celebration as normal this year I decided my half-birthday party would have to be bigger than it normally is, which to me is still a pretty big deal) *Learn how to BOX! (i.e. punching people with gloves and it's legal!! I am starting this Thursday!! WOOOOOO) *Get into SHAPE (and just be healthier in general) *Run a half marathon (see previous) *Buy a motorcycle next summer (riding through the canyon everyday in the summer sounds divine) *Read the book of Mormon at least once *Be kinder *Find ways to serve others consistently *Get some crafts on (this may never be successful but i'm going to try!) *Crowd surf (every screamo concert I have had the opportunity to and never have, this year I WILL!) *Go to EUROPE (this is where the ISH comes in, I am planning on taking a trip to Europe when I graduate beauty school next year in the month or two I have before I go back to USU to finish my degree, I have got to see Versailles and Auschwitz I just have to) *Go to Seattle in April for the tulip festival with my Momsy *Be social and don't become a hermit (i.e. make a lot of new friends) *STAY POSITIVE *KEEP GOING *BE GRATEFUL etc. So far that's all I have, sorry this list is confusing, somehow I made it so that my blog doesn't space into paragraphs or anything, I obviously don't know how I did that or how I fix it, but it is what it is. If you have any other great ideas for things I should be doing let me know I'd love to hear your ideas :) Xoxo M

Love/Hate Same/Difference

The past three weeks I have been praying to hate D. I have been praying to stop caring to not feel bad to recognize this as a blessing. To be able to move on. To focus on all of the anguish and heartache and self loathing he has caused me over the past two years. To just be done and fine with what is happening. You don't have to be LDS or even very religious to recognize that God probably wouldn't help me with my plight. So finally I got angry this past week, similar to a defiant child I basically told Heavenly Father, "Fine, I'll do it my way!" And have been trying. I have been hashing and re hashing all of the hurtful words, all of the awful feelings, all of the lies until I have become completely consumed by it. My final words to D before he got deployed were mean and hurtful. I just wanted to replace his heart with mine so that he could understand the level of pain and ruin that he has caused. I'm sure some of you are wondering to yourselves why I would try to make a bad situation even worse? In hindsight I can see it that way, but at the time I just wanted to stop feeling everything. See, there was a time in our marriage, only 6 months in that I found out about D's ultimate betrayal. To me, to us, to our marriage to our relationship. The level of disaster that caused my soul I am unable to even explain. There is a part of me that I fear will never ultimately be healed by that until I die and can understand things more clearly. At that time I became completely despondent, I said I wanted a divorce then and there. I did not care about D. I didn't care about our marriage. I was completely done then. But I had made covenants not just with D, but with Heavenly Father that I would do everything I could to make my marriage an eternal one. So try I did, until I could forgive and continue forward. Ironically I finally and absolutely forgave him the day before he left and I told him I was ready to move forward, that I had forgiven him that I wanted to start our family and continue onto a better journey together. I am grateful at least that I did forgive him for that before he left because I did, and have, and needed to let that go. Because I had felt that way before though, I wanted Heavenly Father to help me feel that way again. To just not care and be angry and happy that I didn't have to do that anymore. After being angry all week it came time for conference and I knew I needed to take in as much as I could because I had gone from being defiant to being discouraged because that wasn't working either. Finally I prayed and told Heavenly Father that I would do whatever it was that He saw fit but that I needed to be able to move forward in a better way because ultimately me trying to hate D was not affecting him in anyway, it was only affecting me. I listened and wrote notes and felt the spirit, but it wasn't until the second session, where there was a talk about families and children, that my temper flared because another small piece of my soul fell apart remembering the comment "you want to have kids with me and I don't even want to have a life with you, I want nothing to do with you" the tears came instantaneously and I started to feel myself pull away and question if I could do this, if I could stay in the church and be so focused on eternal marriage and families when all of my hopes and dreams of one had been utterly demolished. I immediately felt the most overwhelming feeling that I have to this date ever felt. The words came to my mind, "I love you, it will be ok, trust me" and then "I love D too, let this go, it will pass" Tears streamed down my face as I felt a complete love that I have never felt before. I was able to receive complete confirmation that Heavenly Father loves me. That he knows what I am dealing with. That he understands, and knows that it is not easy. That even with all of my horrible faults that he STILL loves ME, fully and without equal. This moment is one that I know I will think of often in my life to come, after feeling like I do not matter and am not loved and am insignificant to the person I gave everything I had to for the past two years, I had almost forgotten that there was anything in me left to love, or even like for that matter. As a person I have felt that there wasn't. Heavenly Father reminded me that although I do not feel like it, I am still a Daughter of God, that I am significant to Him and ultimately that is the most important thing in this life, that I matter, that there is a reason for me to be on the earth, that I have a purpose and that He has a plan for me, one that only I can accomplish through the decisions that I make in this life, it was a reminder that I have needed for a long, long time. For a moment, I knew without a doubt what complete Heavenly love felt like not only for me but also for D. I knew then and there that I will never again try to hate D. That he is also a son of God and that while I don't understand his decisions and don't necessarily agree with them, that Heavenly Father is aware of him too and will bless him accordingly but it is no longer my burden to bear or deal with his decisions and the consequences. For the rest of my life I know that I will always try to do everything I can so that someday after this life I might be able to feel that feeling that I had for a brief moment here on earth. I know the Gospel is true. In every essence of my makeup I know that there is a living Savior who has felt everything that I have felt and who understands completely and a loving Father in Heaven who is mindful of me and recognizes me and loves me. There is no doubt in my mind. There is a reason for things that I do not know yet but I have faith because I know that I am loved and even though I fear that I cannot trust anyone on earth, I know that I can trust Him. For that I am so thankful. xoxo M

Things I'm Loving Lately

Hello Lovelies, Since it has been a little ho-hum and glum around here lately I decided we needed a little lightening up. So here are a few things I am loving lately. #1 I went on a date last Friday. As in he came and picked me up, we went to a movie and ice cream etc etc. He was such a great guy too (I was surprised, it was a blind date and that shiz can be a little sketch) but it was a great time. I was so so nervous. I haven't been in that scene for so long I found myself over stressing about things a LOT. I have never been one to worry about dates or get self conscious, not because I am not insecure but mostly my excitement always outweighs it but I was so nervous I almost backed out last minute. I am really glad I didn't though. I needed to go, and even though I am by no means looking for a relationship or anything that vaguely resembles it, I did need to get out of my comfort zone so that I would know I could do it and that the next time I wouldn't be too scared.

My new sweatshirt from Victoria Secret. For those of you that hate the "Love Pink" when it isn't on an actual pink piece of clothing I get it, it's confusing when you are reading PINK and the pants are OBVIOUSLY neon green, it's like you start questioning the functionality of your brain and eyes and wondering if they somehow didn't connect correctly and you went color blind. Anyway I know it can be annoying and I felt the same way but I love their sweatshirts so much I don't mind confusing a few peeps. Plus this has fur inside so it is basically being wrapped inside of a teddy bear. Which is exactly what I wanted so that is good news.

Miss Tan-Tan. She and I started the cosmetology program together on the same day and what do you know, we became instant buds. She and I are not alike, she is quiet and reserved and (almost) shy while I am out of control and have no filter. I have been so blessed to have her in my life. Not only was she my first friend at school but she also has proven to be one of the best friends that I could ask for and is now my roommate and even got me a job. Seriously? She is amazing and I am so thankful for her sweetness and consistency in a time of my life that has been anything but.

Candice, Taylor and Bailey are some of the other biggest blessings that I have in my life right now. The fact that I have continued to go to school through this process has probably been more of a surprise to me than it is to anyone else. Everyday the idea of staying home in my bed all day and crying seems like the obvious choice but with these girls at school encouraging me and loving me and making me laugh every single day all I want to do is be around them. They are so positive and fun and help me to see the good in life at all times. I know for certain that I was supposed to meet them, I just was. They are each amazing girls (this is including Tan-Tan) with so many individual fabulous qualities in each of them. I feel like every day I am learning something about strength and consistency from Bailey, Compassion and Empathy from Taylor, Humor and Wisdom from Candice and Patience and Hope from Tan. I like myself when I am around them and that is something I have really needed to recognize in my life. I am set on making everything in my life positive and not negative and they help me with that unknowingly every day which I know is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father, he knew they were each exactly what I needed.

Finally the last thing I am loving lately is how much support and love I have felt from so many of you. The amount of uplifting texts, emails, comments etc has been so appreciated truly. Thank you for caring and for encouraging and for giving me perspective. It has been that every single time I have received a message of some sort from someone it has been in direct correlation with a silent prayer I have been praying for strength, so thank you for personally answering my prayers. XOXO M

The Realities of Life

The past two days I have felt as though my blood is liquid anger. I have been fairly good at not letting myself be angry through this process but these past two days have finally set me past that limit. In a lot of ways my anger is good. I am not one to fully accept my emotions and instead push them as far away as I can until I can pretend things aren't real or aren't actually happening to me. I always did want to be an actress. I don't necessarily love to feel like I am about to explode in every way possible at any given moment and that the pain and sadness is coming out of my pores in a way that make other people see the shadow of sorrow around me, but at the same time I need to embrace these feelings as well. This is a process. Mourning and learning and growing. When I am angry I let myself be even more honest than I usually am. Today I spoke with someone that I used to work with that I was close with, she asked how I was doing, how I was really doing and if I was happy. My answer came without thought or hesitation I simply said that I was lonely and wanted to be with someone that cared about me and wanted to be with me, but that I was no more lonely than I have been for the last two years. Emotionally I feel the exact same. The hard part is when I find something I think is funny or when I want to go enjoy something like a great meal or an interesting movie. But the part of my soul that yearns to discuss my inner spirit and how I see the world, or the part that wants to know that I am important to another person in an intimate and loving and trusting way is the same that it has been for a long time. I have longed for that feeling of security and I still do. Instead I am just even more guarded than I was before which even I didn't think was possible. Some days life sucks and hurts and you get a lot of awful surprises when you think "is that really who you are? Is that REALLY who you want to BE???" but at the same time I need reality to slap me in the face sometimes and man when she slaps she is a witch, my head is still reeling from all of the harsh realities. But through everything life still continues on. Life keeps going. Every day there is a choice to keep living life and to continue to grow as a person. To learn from experiences as opportunities of growth instead of challenges to try to handle. Mortal life is so interesting, some days I think I know so much and the next day I realize how much more there is to learn and although some days that can seem daunting, I also realize that I do have the capacity to learn those things. That is the secret to my happiness. Realizing I truly am capable. xo M

Defining Moments

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what defines people. Specifically myself. Me. Megan Keller. Megan the person. Megan the girl. Megan the spirit. Just Me. I have been trying to figure myself out. I haven't done that for a long, long time. You see I had an experience that jarred me so much that I haven't stopped thinking about it since. A few weeks ago in one of my classes we had a new instructor. She did what all new instructors do and had everyone go around the class and introduce themselves and tell us about them so that she and the class could get to know us better. Every girl before me introduced themselves with "Hi my name is----- i'm -- years old and i've been married for---- to ---- and he is just so great-----" Every. Single. Girl. Now give me that question exactly 6 weeks and three days ago and I would have been that same girl. My name is Megan and I am important and special because I have a husband, so yeah, be jealous, wish you were me. My life is complete because I have a man! BOOM! Now please don't take this as a man bashing post because it is so not. I loved being married. Even in the shittiest (excuse the bluntness) of times, and I would not take it back. And honestly I would rather be married than single. But this really has made me take a hard look at myself and how I view myself. Not that you care, but when it came to me for my answer I said "Hi my name is Megan and as you all know my life is a mess." Golden. That really was my answer. What I should have said was "Hi my name is Megan, I love to laugh, but more I love to make other people laugh. I once had an addiction to hot chocolate that I am still trying to break, and it was so bad that my dentist told me I should probably cut back to one cup of nesquick a day. My favorite smell is probably a mixture of rain and mint fields because it smells like Boise to me. I have done some really sweet things in my life and you should all get to know me because I can be a lot of fun" Or something like that. Because now after thinking and thinking and thinking I feel like THAT answer would be more accurate. See I have realized just how much I have let myself be defined by being married. By being "safe" because I am married. When I took my wedding ring off I felt like I literally stopped being 'Megan Bongiovi' and became 'Megan Keller' again. The funny thing though is that I should have been the same person, but in a lot of ways I am not. I felt like I was losing this person who was a wife and who was married and who had this experience blah blah blah and instead I just fell back into my own self. My own soul. Please don't think that this has anything with D because although partially it probably does, a lot of it is just me. I keep learning funny things about myself that I didn't realize before, like when I get nervous I rub my ring finger because I used to twist my ring, or how I would stare at my ring when I was bored, or how every thing that I talked about had to do with being married and my husband. Don't think that I think that people that talk about these things are stupid or that it is trivial because I so don't. I am more than happy for people who are in a serious committed relationship or marriage and are happy and satisfied because I would love to have that again one day. But I also don't want to limit myself like I have, not just since I have been married, but forever. My entire life I have planned my career, my goals, my looks, my ambitions to be married and settled down and to have everything a certain way. And I had all of those things and I keep realizing that that isn't exactly how my life works. It never has and it never will. There are so many things that I want to do and experience in life. Things that I want to do by myself or with someone else but things that I want to do for ME. Not for anyone else. I never want to feel terrified by someone asking me about myself and not knowing how to respond because I don't have a husband to talk about. One of my biggest fears about this whole process has been the perception of others about me. Nothing says "red flag" like being divorced by the age of 22 and that scares me. I am scared that people will think they know me before they really do because of preconceived ideas that that they about me. My sister sent me a text that said "You are not what happens to you. You are not this divorce." It was funny because that is all I had been thinking about. Ways to make it less awkward for other people. To joke about everything that has happened and try to make sure that when people say things like "Well it doesn't even seem like you are affected by this" or "You seem so happy!" and "You are so strong!! I couldn't do this" that I don't make the face that says "I am so affected by this I only just listened to that last sentence, I am trying to be positive and I can't do this either, but I don't have a choice." But when it all comes down to it, I am not a divorce. Did I go through a divorce? Yes I did. Will I still be affected by it for a long time? Of course I will, but I also don't have to let that define me. I don't have to let anything define me except for myself. I can define myself. I do not need to be defined. Wish me luck on my journey. It is a work in progress. xoxo M

Truth Tuesday

Every day since August 5th I have been looking myself in the mirror saying "You are STRONG, you are BRAVE, and you are BEAUTIFUL" afterwards I either then say, "and you're an idiot" or I just laugh or cry. I don't feel this way. Not even close but I feel like all I can do is say it until I believe it. See August 5th was my two year wedding anniversary. A day I have celebrated monthly since I have been married and was so looking forward to. How the day turned out was exactly the opposite of how I thought it would. You see tomorrow September 5th marks our 25th monthiversary or depending on how you look at it, our two year anniversary and our one month of separation. By the end of this week our divorce might actually be finalized if not by the end of next week. There has been a lot of emotions. Obviously that was not what I was expecting to happen but I can also clearly see how Heavenly Father has been preparing me for this unexpected journey. If you are hoping for a hate session on my soon to be ex husband don't waste your time by reading my blog any longer because that is not going to happen. My relationship with D has been very unconventional from the very beginning as is our divorce. We do not hate each other, we aren't bitter, we aren't trying to hurt each other. We are actually still best friends and get along as we always have, better as friends than we do as spouses. We have been mourning together as well as laughing and continuing on together. There is no doubt both of our lives are going to drastically change, we are both taking two very different paths that we both want for our lives. We have been joking by saying that we are going to "die" so we might as well be happy together while we can because once it is done it is done and we will both have a new life. I honestly want nothing more than for D to have a happy and satisfied life and that is what he wants for me as well. As far as a divorce goes, I don't think it can be much better. I will never ever say that I regret getting married to D. I would do it again knowing everything that I know now. I have learned so much. Especially about myself. I would be lying if I said that I have had complete peace and contentment through this process. I haven't. I have had multiple impulses to do the exact opposite of everything I have been taught and that I believe to be right. At one point all I really wanted to do was get completely drunk, the kind where you can't feel your face (or something like that I've never done this so i'm not sure the exact description but you get my point) I had that opportunity to, multiple times and even though I wanted to I couldn't. I cannot deny what I know to be true and right in my heart. If anything else I have only become stronger as a person. I feel as though I have complete clarity in what I know what I want in my life and my soul is peaceful. I could not ask for anything more than that at this point. Here is to another day. I hope you lovelies have been well. XOXO M

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July! This year I can't help but reflect on all of the people who sacrifice for our freedom. There are so many people who really do sacrifice so much for what we have in our country. I have been spoiled with Drew going on trips and coming home for a few days in between and I am so grateful to all of those men and women who are willing to put our country and freedom before themselves. I am almost somber just thinking about how many people are missing someone who is either gone right now serving, or who has made the ultimate sacrifice and has passed on. I feel like time is flying bay way too quickly, in 2 and a half months D will be deployed, and at this time next year he will be gone on another deployment. I am so thankful to him and to the service that he does for our country (and family)every single day (waking up at 3:30 in the morning and driving an hour and a half to get to work and then working a 10-12 hour day and driving back isn't necessarily fun) but I also have so much admiration for him for his bravery and courage and because he can see the big picture and is passionate about what he does. He never complains and is always willing to do what is asked of him. This year especially I am realizing just how blessed and free we really are. So today I am going to celebrate a wonderful holiday with my very own smashing soldier, and make sure it is one to remember, God bless you and yours on this day of freedom, xoxo M

My Father

I have a pretty special Father. A really great one in fact. The amount of respect I have for my Dad is pretty much more than I can explain. He is one of the most self sacrificing people that I know. He is honest, he is caring, he is smart, funny and the list goes on. One of my favorite things about my dad is how much he loves my Mom. My whole life I have never felt like one parent was in charge, I have always felt like my parents were a team in everything. This is something I appreciate especially now that I am married because I realize how hard they work to have such a great relationship with one another, as well as how much love and respect they have for each other to never put themselves first in the relationship. My whole life I have felt important because I always thought my Dad was important. I realize this is fairly pompous, but as I grow older I also realize just how important my dad has been in the shaping of legislature in Idaho (now Utah) as well as just how his influence affects others around him. One thing that I love about my relationship with my dad especially is how much he makes me feel important, and not in a "you can do anything you set your mind to" type of parenting approach, but more that he has always been very honest to me about my strengths and weaknesses and has encouraged me with both. Another thing that works really well with my relationship with my dad is that for some reason our strongest traits seem to be the same, and while that occasionally means we have had a few, (several) head butting and angry conversations, it also means that almost no one can push me like my dad to do and be better. When I was little, about 5 I loved soccer, I started playing at 4 and thought it was so fun. I was a competitive little thing at the time and the youngest on my team, my dad started a deal that if I scored a goal he would buy me a Barbie. Nothing in my world was as great as a Barbie. Eventually it would be if you score two goals you can get two Barbies etc, until it had to be 3 goals to get one Barbie etc, I finally got up to 9 goals a game and other kid's parents saying they would also buy me Barbies that we had to stop that little deal. Even though it probably seems silly, I have known my whole life that I had to work for what I wanted, regardless of what it was that I wanted and I am very grateful that I was taught that at such a young age. My Dad has always saved quarters in containers and I would always tell him I would count them all if he let me have them, (yeah, right) one year he told me that once his container was full we would go do something fun with it. That year though he was sick a lot, I was in high school and it just never happened and I always bugged him like a brat about it. About 5 months into my freshmen year of college though, my dad gave me a huge bag full of quarters that was from our "something fun" stash and he said I could have them all for my laundry. I treasured those quarters for a long time. I still had quite a few of them until last year. They especially meant a lot to me because although my parents probably could have put all of us kids through college from an early age we all knew that if we wanted to go to college we would have to get a scholarship. What is funny is that all 4 of us had full ride scholarships to the universities we went to. So, when my Dad gives any financial help it has always made me feel like I must have done something really special to earn it. From an early age we had to work for whatever we earned. For example when I was 11 and started to "work" to buy my school clothes (yep 5th grade folks) my dad and I sat and wrote up a contract of what I would do during the summer each week to make money and we both signed it. We have continued to do contracts through middle and high school, and I know my Dad has kept each one. Last week we went to lunch with my parents and out of nowhere my Dad started writing on a napkin and it was a contract that he and my mom would pay a certain amount of money for beauty school if I would give them free hair cuts for the rest of their lives, considering I would have done that regardless, I got a pretty sweet deal and signed that sucker as fast as I could. Considering how much I know my parents would have liked me to finish my last year of college before starting beauty school, I am so thankful for their help and their encouragement of me doing what I really want to do, and to be honest if we would have had this same contract 3 years ago when I graduated High School I know I wouldn't have appreciated nearly enough, and not even close to how much I and (we) do. That whole being married, being students, being poor, and then buying a house basically means no money for the rest of our lives. And if I don't finish beauty school I have to pay the money back per the contract. I mentioned earlier that one of my favorite things about my Dad is how much he loves and respects my Mom and how he has always been a perfect example of what a father and a husband should be like. I appreciate that even more now as he is also now the Dad of my husband and is such a great father to him as well. My Dad has always been a worthy and active Priesthood leader in our home. He has always put the gospel and our family above everything else. He has always worked so hard to be able to have a job that would provide well for our family and make it so that my mom could stay home with us kids because they felt like that was their first priority. There is no doubt in my mind that I was meant to be in my family and also meant for the last so my parents could focus ALL of their energy on me so that I could turn out at least decent with all of my craziness. I love my Dad so much and wish him the happiest of happy day to celebrate him! Lucky and blessed me. Hope you all have a fabulous day celebrating the Fathers in your lives. xoxox M