Truth Tuesday

You know how T-Swift is singing basically every girl's life on her new CD? (according to Facebook, Instagram and Blogger anyway) Well she is definitely singing mine over and over and over. Thanks Tay ha. So since this whole divorce thing has been happening I have really needed to have a distraction. I love to read and well, I chose Harry Potter. I don't even know what number that was that I have read books #1-4 honestly. Yeah I'm a closet nerd and I am not even embarrassed. Like at all. I am in the middle of book 5 so there you go. Let's talk about awkward things. Here is awkward, being divorced at 22, being LDS, living in a college town where now i'm considered almost "old" because i'm not 18/19 now and being back in the dating scene. Yeah it's freaking awesome. What is even more awkward is when you talk to someone (a guy) and you are just being friendly and he takes it as you want to date him and stops talking to you. Yeah, no, I actually really was just curious how you were doing...... so..... now I hope it's crappy? False I don't really, but that was awkward. Second awkward is when you ARE flirting and then the guy thinks you are being friendly. So. Great. No. More. When talking with Tan Tan and one of her guy friends the other night I was saying how awkward things are, I don't know how to put myself out there, I just feel like a weirdo etc. Then her friend said, "well Megan, more guys would probably talked to you if you stopped reading Harry Potter!" HAHA!!! I laughed and said , I would rather Harry Potter anyways so lets just keep it how it is then. Lately I have been extremely emotional. I overall am not a huge crier, normally I have to just get really, really mad and that is when I cry but lately all I do is cry. And when I mean cry, I mean literally all of a sudden burst into tears and hysterics and sob and literally have to pull my car over cause I can't see when driving kind of driving. Things have just been hitting me a lot lately and I think I have just been holding in so many emotions that I physically can't hold them back. Pathetic but true. See I don't tell people this in person, but on my blog I do because this is my outlet and I need to get it out somewhere. So here it is out. My poor Mom has had to listen to me for hours ranting and raving and crying and yelling and being unresponsive over and over and over again. I wish I wouldn't do that. My emotional state to put it lightly would probably be considered volatile. I just miss my best friend. Unfortunately He is who I talked to about everything, always. I have been having withdrawals from that. Even after everything I still miss him, then that makes me angry and more sad and then I get mad at myself, and then people tell me I have "no self respect because normal people wouldn't miss their ex husband who cheated and lied and didn't care about you and left you on your anniversary and who will never really care about you anyway get over it already" logically I understand that. Emotionally I still don't. I am trying. I had just accepted my life the way it was, chose to ignore those things, and tried to make the best of it when He did care, and when he did want me and when he was around. I am convinced that marriage again is not for me. I just don't think I will be able to truly trust anyone after all of this and I think that might be ok anyway. I have wanted to be the favorite aunt anyway, so now I just really will be. Disneyland was so fun. I plan on documenting that trip sometime since I took a shiz ton of pictures. Guys, in two weeks I will officially be on the books at school. Meaning I can take appointments. Meaning I will be working on real people. Meaning I'm scared out of my mind but also really really excited at the same time. Scary. One last thing, remember how I have said forever how I have been wanting to work on being healthier? Well guess what? I have been doing a pretty good job. I have so far lost 14 pounds and I am hoping to lose another 8-10 by Thanksgiving. I still have a really, really long way to go, but I feel strong doing this because I didn't think I could. My weight was my protection in a way when I found out about the infidelity issue and emotionally I have been fighting it for over a year and a half because I just felt like I couldn't do it and that I didn't want to do it and now that I actually AM doing it, it feels good. Wish me luck. And give me any tips you have because I will take and can use them all!! Hope you had a good day, Happy Halloween tomorrow! xoxo M