Truth Tuesday

Every day since August 5th I have been looking myself in the mirror saying "You are STRONG, you are BRAVE, and you are BEAUTIFUL" afterwards I either then say, "and you're an idiot" or I just laugh or cry. I don't feel this way. Not even close but I feel like all I can do is say it until I believe it. See August 5th was my two year wedding anniversary. A day I have celebrated monthly since I have been married and was so looking forward to. How the day turned out was exactly the opposite of how I thought it would. You see tomorrow September 5th marks our 25th monthiversary or depending on how you look at it, our two year anniversary and our one month of separation. By the end of this week our divorce might actually be finalized if not by the end of next week. There has been a lot of emotions. Obviously that was not what I was expecting to happen but I can also clearly see how Heavenly Father has been preparing me for this unexpected journey. If you are hoping for a hate session on my soon to be ex husband don't waste your time by reading my blog any longer because that is not going to happen. My relationship with D has been very unconventional from the very beginning as is our divorce. We do not hate each other, we aren't bitter, we aren't trying to hurt each other. We are actually still best friends and get along as we always have, better as friends than we do as spouses. We have been mourning together as well as laughing and continuing on together. There is no doubt both of our lives are going to drastically change, we are both taking two very different paths that we both want for our lives. We have been joking by saying that we are going to "die" so we might as well be happy together while we can because once it is done it is done and we will both have a new life. I honestly want nothing more than for D to have a happy and satisfied life and that is what he wants for me as well. As far as a divorce goes, I don't think it can be much better. I will never ever say that I regret getting married to D. I would do it again knowing everything that I know now. I have learned so much. Especially about myself. I would be lying if I said that I have had complete peace and contentment through this process. I haven't. I have had multiple impulses to do the exact opposite of everything I have been taught and that I believe to be right. At one point all I really wanted to do was get completely drunk, the kind where you can't feel your face (or something like that I've never done this so i'm not sure the exact description but you get my point) I had that opportunity to, multiple times and even though I wanted to I couldn't. I cannot deny what I know to be true and right in my heart. If anything else I have only become stronger as a person. I feel as though I have complete clarity in what I know what I want in my life and my soul is peaceful. I could not ask for anything more than that at this point. Here is to another day. I hope you lovelies have been well. XOXO M