Love/Hate Same/Difference

The past three weeks I have been praying to hate D. I have been praying to stop caring to not feel bad to recognize this as a blessing. To be able to move on. To focus on all of the anguish and heartache and self loathing he has caused me over the past two years. To just be done and fine with what is happening. You don't have to be LDS or even very religious to recognize that God probably wouldn't help me with my plight. So finally I got angry this past week, similar to a defiant child I basically told Heavenly Father, "Fine, I'll do it my way!" And have been trying. I have been hashing and re hashing all of the hurtful words, all of the awful feelings, all of the lies until I have become completely consumed by it. My final words to D before he got deployed were mean and hurtful. I just wanted to replace his heart with mine so that he could understand the level of pain and ruin that he has caused. I'm sure some of you are wondering to yourselves why I would try to make a bad situation even worse? In hindsight I can see it that way, but at the time I just wanted to stop feeling everything. See, there was a time in our marriage, only 6 months in that I found out about D's ultimate betrayal. To me, to us, to our marriage to our relationship. The level of disaster that caused my soul I am unable to even explain. There is a part of me that I fear will never ultimately be healed by that until I die and can understand things more clearly. At that time I became completely despondent, I said I wanted a divorce then and there. I did not care about D. I didn't care about our marriage. I was completely done then. But I had made covenants not just with D, but with Heavenly Father that I would do everything I could to make my marriage an eternal one. So try I did, until I could forgive and continue forward. Ironically I finally and absolutely forgave him the day before he left and I told him I was ready to move forward, that I had forgiven him that I wanted to start our family and continue onto a better journey together. I am grateful at least that I did forgive him for that before he left because I did, and have, and needed to let that go. Because I had felt that way before though, I wanted Heavenly Father to help me feel that way again. To just not care and be angry and happy that I didn't have to do that anymore. After being angry all week it came time for conference and I knew I needed to take in as much as I could because I had gone from being defiant to being discouraged because that wasn't working either. Finally I prayed and told Heavenly Father that I would do whatever it was that He saw fit but that I needed to be able to move forward in a better way because ultimately me trying to hate D was not affecting him in anyway, it was only affecting me. I listened and wrote notes and felt the spirit, but it wasn't until the second session, where there was a talk about families and children, that my temper flared because another small piece of my soul fell apart remembering the comment "you want to have kids with me and I don't even want to have a life with you, I want nothing to do with you" the tears came instantaneously and I started to feel myself pull away and question if I could do this, if I could stay in the church and be so focused on eternal marriage and families when all of my hopes and dreams of one had been utterly demolished. I immediately felt the most overwhelming feeling that I have to this date ever felt. The words came to my mind, "I love you, it will be ok, trust me" and then "I love D too, let this go, it will pass" Tears streamed down my face as I felt a complete love that I have never felt before. I was able to receive complete confirmation that Heavenly Father loves me. That he knows what I am dealing with. That he understands, and knows that it is not easy. That even with all of my horrible faults that he STILL loves ME, fully and without equal. This moment is one that I know I will think of often in my life to come, after feeling like I do not matter and am not loved and am insignificant to the person I gave everything I had to for the past two years, I had almost forgotten that there was anything in me left to love, or even like for that matter. As a person I have felt that there wasn't. Heavenly Father reminded me that although I do not feel like it, I am still a Daughter of God, that I am significant to Him and ultimately that is the most important thing in this life, that I matter, that there is a reason for me to be on the earth, that I have a purpose and that He has a plan for me, one that only I can accomplish through the decisions that I make in this life, it was a reminder that I have needed for a long, long time. For a moment, I knew without a doubt what complete Heavenly love felt like not only for me but also for D. I knew then and there that I will never again try to hate D. That he is also a son of God and that while I don't understand his decisions and don't necessarily agree with them, that Heavenly Father is aware of him too and will bless him accordingly but it is no longer my burden to bear or deal with his decisions and the consequences. For the rest of my life I know that I will always try to do everything I can so that someday after this life I might be able to feel that feeling that I had for a brief moment here on earth. I know the Gospel is true. In every essence of my makeup I know that there is a living Savior who has felt everything that I have felt and who understands completely and a loving Father in Heaven who is mindful of me and recognizes me and loves me. There is no doubt in my mind. There is a reason for things that I do not know yet but I have faith because I know that I am loved and even though I fear that I cannot trust anyone on earth, I know that I can trust Him. For that I am so thankful. xoxo M