The Realities of Life

The past two days I have felt as though my blood is liquid anger. I have been fairly good at not letting myself be angry through this process but these past two days have finally set me past that limit. In a lot of ways my anger is good. I am not one to fully accept my emotions and instead push them as far away as I can until I can pretend things aren't real or aren't actually happening to me. I always did want to be an actress. I don't necessarily love to feel like I am about to explode in every way possible at any given moment and that the pain and sadness is coming out of my pores in a way that make other people see the shadow of sorrow around me, but at the same time I need to embrace these feelings as well. This is a process. Mourning and learning and growing. When I am angry I let myself be even more honest than I usually am. Today I spoke with someone that I used to work with that I was close with, she asked how I was doing, how I was really doing and if I was happy. My answer came without thought or hesitation I simply said that I was lonely and wanted to be with someone that cared about me and wanted to be with me, but that I was no more lonely than I have been for the last two years. Emotionally I feel the exact same. The hard part is when I find something I think is funny or when I want to go enjoy something like a great meal or an interesting movie. But the part of my soul that yearns to discuss my inner spirit and how I see the world, or the part that wants to know that I am important to another person in an intimate and loving and trusting way is the same that it has been for a long time. I have longed for that feeling of security and I still do. Instead I am just even more guarded than I was before which even I didn't think was possible. Some days life sucks and hurts and you get a lot of awful surprises when you think "is that really who you are? Is that REALLY who you want to BE???" but at the same time I need reality to slap me in the face sometimes and man when she slaps she is a witch, my head is still reeling from all of the harsh realities. But through everything life still continues on. Life keeps going. Every day there is a choice to keep living life and to continue to grow as a person. To learn from experiences as opportunities of growth instead of challenges to try to handle. Mortal life is so interesting, some days I think I know so much and the next day I realize how much more there is to learn and although some days that can seem daunting, I also realize that I do have the capacity to learn those things. That is the secret to my happiness. Realizing I truly am capable. xo M