On Being Nostalgic..................

"The term nostalgia describes a yearning for the past, often in idealized form.^[1] The word is a learned formation of a Greek compound, consisting of νόστος(nóstos), meaning "returning home", a Homeric word, and ἄλγος (álgos), meaning "pain, ache". It was described as a medical condition, a form of melancholy"


You know when you have a feeling over and over again, and you know that it correlates with a word that you don't quite know but think you do? Well that is why I have this definition above. I have heard the word nostalgia but I never actually knew the exact meaning until I kept getting this feeling and had to have a way to describe it. There it is above. 


Anyway let me try to explain what I'm trying to say here. I get these feelings of nostalgia a lot from things that make sense, and things that don't at all. So let's begin on my trip down nostalgic lane shall we?

Whenever I go around the bend of the golf course in Preston I start to cry. It brings back so many feelings of my Grandpa Buttars. He passed away the July before I was going into high school. We were buds. He would take me places with him and let me talk and talk and talk about who knows what since that seems to be what I do, and he would listen. He would tell me stories about his life and his family and I would listen. He used to take me with him just us a lot and I look back now and don't know why but i'm sure glad I had that one on one time with him. When I was 11 he took me fishing. Twice in one day. He was ok that I wouldn't even touch the worms and let me run around bare foot with my pants rolled up. That is one of my very favorite memories I have with him. One of the reasons I knew that my Mr. was right for me was that I knew my Grandpa Buttars would approve of him. I can't wait until they will get to meet each other someday. 




Living in this 3 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment all alone is not as awesome as it seems. Granted I don't think I could live with somebody else ever again because I really am not good at sharing, but it does get kind of big for me at times. There is the best noise outside of my apartment though. The noise of frogs. I adore frogs. As in the actual animals. When I was younger and lived in the country we had a big pond, (ok WE didn't the farmer behind us did and I just snuck out there.) and I would go and catch tad poles and put them in our water trough and watch them grow legs and lose their tales and then they would eventually get big enough that they could escape and wander freely. Have you ever felt what it is like to step on a frog barefoot? I have, and they jump. That sound brings me a lot of peace. When we moved and I couldn't have any pets anymore my parents bought me African Water frogs. They are these tiny water frogs that swim around like fish, but better. They still sit on our counter in the kitchen in a huge glass bowl. They are lovely.

Watching NCIS brings on this feeling as well. I got sick a lot my senior year of high school and there were many days that I would lay in front of the fire place with my dad in the recliner and we would watch NCIS all day. Those days were the best. I miss my Dad. 


The smell of tobacco has always made me have a strange feeling. I get sick to my stomach but also I feel this weird happiness. No it is not because I was once a chain smoker, however believable that is to be, it is because my Uncle Rindy used to smell like that and I can still remember. I can remember his beard and His big smile, and I can still remember him holding me once and tickling me. He passed away when I was four but I think about him often. I know we would have gotten along so well. He scared me with his wild lifestyle that I knew even then was not the one he should have been living for his own sake. I once liked a boy who smelled just the same way and every time I was with him I thought of my Uncle Rindy. There are so many things I wish I knew about him like his favorite flavor of ice cream, and what his favorite joke was. I also look forward to when I will be able to meet him. 


This one is a new one. The other day I went and visited my buddy Bodie, who lucky for me also happens to be my nephew. He has just started talking here and there and I have been trying to get him to say my name but it's a hard one for him to say. I tried to teach him meg-meg-meg-meg-meg in a fast procession thinking he would think it was like a song but it wasn't working. Anyway I hadn't seen him for a while and went over and he ran to me, I picked him up and he grabbed my face in his two tiny hands and said "ME-ME" and smiled. I felt homesick and happy and sad all at the same time, and a little bit of dejavu from this and I still don't know why. He now calls me "Me-Me" which works just fine for me. 


There are another two things that have made me feel nostalgic in the past week that have no correlation with my home. I saw an old man and old woman walking in the mall together and she was holding two bags that he gently removed from her hands and held with his own. This gesture of pure gentlemen-ness made me pause and gave me that same feeling. It was so sweet. Another time this week I saw a girl who stared me straight in they eyes and smiled at me as we passed each other. You would think due to my suspicious and violent nature I would have punched her, but instead I found myself thinking, "I wonder if that girl was supposed to be my best friend?" It is also strange because I cannot remember her face at all, and I never forget a face. Both of these times that this happened this week it was when I needed to be reminded that life is good. I also think that I may have been homesick for a different home, my life before this one that I can't remember but that my spirit can and that it knows that after this life I will continue on and see my Grandpa and my Uncle and I hope the girl who smiled at me so that I can tell her thank you for making things better for me. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day and that if the sun isn't shining outside wherever you are that it is in your heart. 


Love




M

On Being Authentic...............

As I have mentioned previously, my minor is women and gender studies so I have a lot of interesting classes. My favorite class is called "Women and Leadership." This class is all about how to cultivate your leadership capabilities as well as to pursue what interests you and what you love, because so many women don't. They decide they have other things they need to do, instead of a lot of things that they want to do. Don't get me wrong, I think that people need to be responsible but I wish that more people would also pursue their dreams. Anyway, in this class we were required to sign up to present from a pre assigned book a chapter at the beginning of class. I signed up for one of the last classes possible to present (responsible I know....) but it is what it is. So Tuesday night I stayed up late going over how I wanted to present this chapter to my class. I kept stressing and going over it and didn't go to be until late. The topic was "Bringing Your Whole Self to Work and having Authenticity." So of course as my life goes, the next morning my alarm clock did not go off. I woke up 3 minutes after I was supposed to be at work and I was frazzled out of my mind. I had to go straight to work, then give a campus tour and then go straight to the class I had to present in. Meaning I had to get my clothes for my tour and all of my school stuff before going to work. It was also ironic that I texted cute Whit who I work with to let her know I was out of control but coming, and she didn't work that day. I am seriously blessed that I have an understanding boss.

Of topic, anyways being authentic was what I really focused on in my presentation. There was actually a study that was done in 2001 that asked what attribute do you most want to be remembered for and over 60% of being answered "authenticity." A similar study was also done that asked what was the most important quality in a lifelong partner and "authenticity" was also the most important attribute. It also talked a lot about culture and there was a part of me that was sad about this. There have been so many times in my life that I have felt "too white." I know that sounds dumb to a lot of people but I think being cultured is such an awesome thing. It made me start thinking about when I am old and gone and my family is talking about their heritage and culture what they will do because of me or if they will do anything. A lot of families can make special food, or dancing or arts and I don't have that really. But what I do have is almost as good. I grew up in a home that was very accepting of other people and other cultures and have always been taught to love differences. This is why I love the opera, Phantom is fantastic but Miss Saigon is great as well. I also adore museums. The Smithsonians are some of my most favorite places in the world. Trying food from other countries is one of my hobbies. Dancing of all kinds is beautiful to me, even though I really can't dance except for ballroom and salsa. Someday the Mr. and I plan on going all over the world and seeing everything there is to see, not just the resorts but also the villages and the animals and the wild.

So my culture is an abundance of everyone else's I have decided. This is also why I am so accepting of people and their choices in general. I am cultured. I AM. I AM. I AM.

Aside from that, I also drink hot chocolate every day. Every day! Nesquick to be exact regardless of the season. That adds something to me right? Are. You. Cultured? What is it to you? Just something to think about.

Also I failed a test this morning. 4 points out of 96. Boo Yah.

Loves.


M

Dear. Mr.

This evening at 11:58 pm. (which translates into 12:58 am your time) you texted me

     "the hardest part of going to sleep is I can never tell you how much I love you and care for you baby..... I love you so so much xoxo night"

I then responded promptly with
        "That's ok. That's what the next day is for. :)"

but isn't that true? that is what the next day is for. isn't it nice always knowing that there will be a next day together?

today at work i told adam that story. you know, the one about you FINALLY giving up on me. also the one where i was the one who didn't give up. how you left and i told you to go with some other mean things i'm sure, and then i knew that this time was different. that this time you wouldn't come back. so i did what i had to do. grabbed my wall-e blanket that you had given me the love day prior to last, and ran out to my car and followed you to where i knew you would be.

isn't it nice that i knew exactly where you would go? in all of logan i knew right where i could find you. so i did what any girl in love would do and i marched up that mountainside with my slippers and robe and wall-e blanket and trudged through the snow and the mud hoping it would be worth it because you know how i hate to hike, and my feet were freezing in that weather, and i was so scared that this time you wouldn't make things ok.

remember how you almost didn't? remember how when you saw me i saw that look of "what the....." but also something else, surprise. you didn't think i would come save us. that's when i gave up fighting.


remember when you didn't want to talk but you couldn't help it. I HAD HIKED UP A MOUNTAIN ALL ALONE FOR YOU! i think from that moment on we both knew out of everything we had been through up to that point and for everything we have ahead of us, i had proved i wasn't going to give up either. not ever.


it is nights like tonight that i know everything will be ok. i look forward to when it rains and instead of being alone i can be with you and we will go for "our drive."

i look forward to when i won't have to lock the main door...... and then also the bedroom door, because you will be here to do it instead.

it will be nice for you to get me water so my toesies don't get cold, but i think from now on we can take turns

it makes me sad looking at our (2) closets and not seeing anything of yours in there, i welcome the change of less space

i am excited for when you are here to throw your own socks on the floor, instead of me doing it and letting baby rockstar play with them so there is some semblance of you here

it will be nice when you are home and you can listen to my favorite sound right outside our window, the frogs, with me. the only reason we may not move from this place.

when you come home we can go eat dessert at places. nothing tastes like it used to when you were here.

i cannot wait for the days i will have to work all day, or go to school all day, or do ambassadors all day, or all three since that happens often too, and instead of coming home to silence, i will come home to you.

we can pay our bills together.

we can have our dance a thons.

and you will be here to keep all the scarys away.

you are the best. i love you. so so much.


Mrs.

ps. being yours is the best. thank you for finding me and letting me find myself through you.

On Being Humble and Things I Am Proud Of

WARNING: This post may or may not change your opinion of me.

Being humble is an important quality. However I also think that there are certain times for humility and that there is a difference between being cocky and being proud of one's accomplishments. I have never wanted to come across as cocky or stuck up for the things I have done in my life, and so because of that there are several times I never really talked to anyone about them. The reason I say that your opinion of me may change is that I don't want this to come across as a "look at me look at me" post at all. In fact I considered posting this because I do NOT want anyone to think that that is what the intention of this post is about. Honestly I have actually been thinking about this a lot since graduating high school. It used to be that people were proud of themselves and their accomplishments. The whole keeping up with the Jone's. Now it seems like being a loser is the cool thing to do. There are so many people whose aspirations are to live in their parent's basement for as long as possible and to not do anything with their life. It used to be that men were the CEO's and were making the most money and were attending college. All of that is changing. I think that it is amazing that so many women are now aspiring higher in the corporate world and attending college but wouldn't it be so much better if men and women were both doing that?

Yesterday I was in Wal Mart doing some shopping. I was in the bread aisle but I was looking for hot pockets which are directly across from the bread (be proud mom, I did not purchase any hot pockets.) Anyway I overheard a boy about 14 who was a cute little guy asking his mom if they could hurry, his mother got an angry look on her face and in my head I thought, (COME. ON. LADY!  It is your son's spring break and super shopping at Wally World in the middle of the day is probably not number one on his things of fun) Well boy was I wrong. She said, "Johnny"  Are you just wanting to go home so you can play your video games?? Is that why you are trying to hurry us up? Now I thought to myself I shouldn't have judged the lady but then I did turn to "Johnny" and start judging him really good. I thought boy you will never have a girlfriend or a job or a good life. Shame.

 Granted I hate all video games with the few exceptions of 1. 007 on N64 1. Mario Kart also N64 and Wii fit and Cabella's Big Game hunter also on Wii.

Ok, off point. Anyway my point is that I wish that people were proud of their accomplishments and that they were continually pursuing accomplishments. Before posting this I thought to myself do I get mad or annoyed when people tell me about cool things they have done? Honestly? No. No I do not. I actually have more respect and understanding of them as a person. That is actually one of the reasons I enjoy blogs so much is because I can see people doing so many amazing things that they are good at!  So I have decided to make a list of things I am proud that I have accomplished in my life so far (This is the part where your opinion of me may change because you might think I am having the "look at me look at me" attitude.) But really, it is more of a pat on the back to myself and also an encouragement to everyone else to give YOURSELF a big pat on the back and to continue to have accomplishments because when we stop that is when we are done.

1. I was on Student Council from 4th grade to 12th grade
2. I was Idaho State Student Council Secretary
3. I was on the NO MEANS KNOW teen group through the Idaho Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence
4. I was on Oprah because of the NO MEANS KNOW program
5. I was able to get a full ride scholarship to Utah State University and serve as an Ambassador for them
6. I was once in a musical and had the only solo even though I was the youngest and least experienced actress
7. I got married in the temple
8. I have stayed true to my faith
9.I have always liked myself

xoxo

M

On Being Half Baked..........

There was a time once in my youth when I was very wise, actually quite the contrary. I was actually really, really, dumb when it came to this instance but I did learn a good lesson from it, and I actually used it as an example in a testimony. It really did leave a lasting impact on me so I thought today I would share it. But first let's start with the story,


TANNING: First of all I did not go tanning until I was a junior in high school. I had never gone tanning before but a ton of my friends had and I finally convinced my parents that I HAD TO GO TANNING OR MY HOMECOMING WOULD NOT BE THE SAME!!!!! So they relented and I got a pass for the tanning at Gold's Gym. I went with quite a few of my friends and the beds at Gold's were supposedly the best. Supposedly because my friends would go one time and look like they just got off of a cruise ship, and I would go and get barely any color at all. I would go the full time, use lotion, turn over from my back to my stomach alternating every five minutes. Nada. One day I went with lovely Ky, and we went into the beds. I lay down and was tanning for probably a good 15 minutes before I saw something I had never seen before. Hinges. HINGES?? I said to myself? No, it couldn't be. So I turned the bed off, stood up, and sure enough, HINGES!!!  NO!!! IT CAN'T BE!!!! My mind screamed as I slowly put my hand on the top of the tanning bed and pushed it down, realizing at that moment, that tanning beds GO DOWN, AND ARE LOWERED ALMOST IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! SON OF A B! This part was hysterically screamed. I put my clothes on and rushed, REAL, angry, out of the tanning booth to the hallway where ky was waiting for me, very confused. NOBODY!!! TOLD!!! ME!!!! THE!!!!! LID!!!!!! GOES!!!! DOWN!!!!!! I yelled. Ky, hesitated for a moment then laughed until she cried. We had been so confused after 9 times, that's right kids, NINE times of going tanning on brand new beds that I was only getting color on my backside. Everyone else had started only going once or twice a week and I looked like I just stepped out of a damn igloo. Awesome. Everyone that has since heard this story has said, "haven't you seen Cinderella Story?? It shows a tanning bed in there!" Seriously?

Anyways,

I then went tanning everyday until homecoming so that I could try to even out my tan, which I then learned my skin tans just great.

A few months later there was an early morning seminary testimony meeting that I attended. I talk like I blog so as I'm sure you can imagine when I bare my testimony it is all over the place. (AWESOME) nonetheless but still a little scattered, So I started telling about half of my high school about  this tanning experience which they all laughed about, and all of the seminary teachers and bishops were hitting their heads against the wall wondering how this was relevant to a testimony meeting? I then went on to explain the relevance. I learned a very valuable lesson from the silly tanning mistake. If you don't do something right the first time the outcome is a lot different than the expected outcome. You don't get a good "tan" if you don't follow the guidelines that have been set before from those who have designed it. We go through disappointment, embarrassment, and frustration because we don't understand why everyone else's "tan" seem to be getting so much glowier, bronzer, and better than ours. Are you following the metaphor here? I know it seems stupid, and probably a little dumb that I got this lesson out of tanning, but that is just how it works for me. I had to work twice as hard because I didn't do it right the first time which is just as applicable to life. Once I learned the right way I was able to fix my mistake and get what I was looking for, but I wasted a lot of time, money, resources and effort going into something the wrong way. I applied this spiritually to my life. Simple really, we follow the commandments and although life still has it's challenges, it is so much easier to follow. When we go off and do what we think is best without asking for guidance or help, (prayer) we get lost and angry. I honestly do think back to this metaphor a lot because it taught me a lesson I will never forget, and that is to do it right the first time. Which I might add will someday be my family's motto. So many things would be so much better if we would just do it right the first time, whether that is spiritually, in school, work, relationships, or just simple every day tasks. That is all for tonight lovelies. And even if you think this is a dumb post, I'm sure you must have gotten a good laugh at my stupidity, and the fact that I most certainly will get skin cancer on my butt for going tanning 9 times in the best bed for the longest time trying to get tan. Loves,

Oh! And one more thing, the name was derived from one of my favorite eye shadows from Urban Decay which is called "Half Baked" I also love "Twice Baked" but my favorite is "Midnight Cowboy Rides Again." (Not pictured.)

M

On Being Sexy...........

Now folks don't be alarmed (this is actually directed literally to my "folks")

Let me give you some background, growing up at my place, the word "sexy" was a BAAAAAAAD word. It was one of those words if said on tv, or the radio or a movie would make me cringe and glance at one of the parentals in case of getting in trouble. it was just not a good word. my guess is because of the root word: s.e.x. yep that word's on my blog now. oh well. anyway technically the word is to imply that you have a lot of sex appeal. nice. but here is the thing, i don't necessarily agree with just that definition. so i'm changing it up. i think being sexy is a state of mind. it has to do with feeling like you are the shiz when you are wearing a large, fuzzy, green, bathrobe, wait. I HAVE THAT! OH YEAAAAAHHHH. Let me explain why this came about.

I am minoring in women and gender studies. I love it. It is one of my passions and it works for me. for a lot of other people it doesn't for a number of reasons. you deal a lot with lesbians, gays, trans-genders, cross-dressers, etc. etc. Although I do not agree with the behavior, I do agree with the person. I think everyone should have equal rights. I know a lot of people don't but God will be the ultimate judge and it is not my place to judge someone else. enough on that and on to the real point. so in my "intro to women and gender studies" class we have a lot of open discussions. there are a lot of different types of people in the class so there are a LOT of differing opinions. the subject came up about how women have become sexualized items for men's entertainment and how the media are distorting our image, and we shouldn't have to be sexy, and we shouldn't have to wear make up and we shouldn't read magazines or care about what other people want us to look like.....blah..blah..blah. (there are a lot of times that i have to literally close my mouth really tight so i don't say things i shouldn't say) anyway a girl raised her hand after about 15 minutes of discussion of everyone saying these things, and she said "actually, I disagree, I like to feel sexy and I think all women should feel that way" hell yes they should! i raised my hand and continued to agree with the girl saying how i liked wearing make up and hair etc and that made me feel special. (then i got a lot of looks like, "i'm sorry you're wearing sweats AGAIN and you didn't even brush your hair and do you even own make up?" to those people i say kiss my...) again, off subject.

after that discussion i started thinking about this subject continually. i used to be the girl who's hair was always curled, had great make-up and confidence that could knock your laced up sneakers off. i also was the girl who dated a lot of immature teenage boys who spoke very highly of my looks, and my looks, and my looks, oh, and how impressed their friends/family would be once they had seen me. that really changed how i wanted to come across all of a sudden. i didn't like that people would tell me that i should compete in a beauty pageant but then when i said i wanted to go to law school, "well that is a lot of school," ugh yeah dumb ass i know. jeeze. obviously you did not go to law school, or much of any higher education past the 8th grade. eventually though this started taking it's toll on me, i started questioning my self-worth because all anyone ever saw was a pretty face. so i stopped doing what i enjoyed doing. clothes, replaced by baggy sweats, makeup rarely used, hair, needed to be washed more, etc etc. you get the idea. i wanted people to see that i was smart and could do whatever i wanted. instead i started to feel not very good about myself. i was sad a lot. and hid from cameras and people in general.

a few months ago though i woke up one morning and said to myself "biaa get your shiz together and do what makes you happy" i know this sounds probably very superficial to a lot of you, but when i look good i feel good. to prove my point a little better, in the same class aforementioned, we had a cross dresser come visit us. he was a man who enjoyed dressing up as a woman. he had a completely normal life. married with kids. heterosexual. very successful professionally and very happy and genuine as a person. someone in the class asked him if he wanted to be a woman. he laughed and said "no! not at all! i love being a man! but as i'm sure a lot of the girls can understand, when i put on my heels and my favorite outfit, i feel the best i can possibly feel, i'm confident i'm happy, and it's fun to be able to dress up" i probably related to that man more than anyone in the room. (probably because i have dressed in what to me is basically cross dressing with the sweats all the time) looking good does not mean you are stupid.

as stated above, i believe that being and feeling sexy is a state of mind. it's really just a more enjoyable way of saying you have self confidence. there are some girls who hate dressing up and hate wearing make up and would rather run through a wood chipper than wear heels. and that is fantastic! you don't have to dress up to be sexy. being you is being sexy. i read an article the other day written by olivia wilde who said that sometimes women have to do things that make them confident and then they remember why they are confident in the first place, it's not the great shoes, it is who's wearing them. it makes me sad that poor sweet drew has had to put up with "man-wife" for the past 5 months. "man-wife" and drew's wife megan are very, very different and instead of showing people who i was i actually changed a lot more to try to fit into a stereotype that i thought would go along with who i wanted to portray. but here's the thing peeps there is a reason elle woods and i got along so great for years of my life, (i.e. legally blonde) so here's to that. someday when i'm in law school and it's a LOT of school i will have the best shoes out of everyone. =)

and here is to you being sexy too. whatever it is that makes you feel that way i hope you do it too and are happy =)

On Public Restrooms:

First of all you will say to yourself, "Why the H are you writing about this?" To that I answer, "Because it is MY blog and I can do what I want!" Actually my answer would be "Why the H not?"

But really let's get serious.

I often think about them. There is a "stage shop" (that is a gas station that truck drivers also visit) that Drew and I stop at on the way home to get some Mt. Dew and do our other business...(ahem). Anyways it was there about 3 months ago that I started to really think about public restrooms.

1. They are gross. Yeah REAL gross. I would like to know how many times a worker goes in looks around, says to themselves "No one is dead in here, looks clean to me," writes their name on their required cleaning log and walks out. Or another good one, how it says, "If other maintenance is needed please let us know" REALLY? REALLY? Don't you people work there? Ugh.

2. I also ponder how it is that everyone who is smart, lay down the toilet paper. You know what i'm talking about. Layers upon layers of toilet paper to protect our backside from diseases etc. Let me tell you something I learned from COSMO though folks, if you just squat you will burn between 5-10 calories. Do that a few times a day and you get an extra candy bar. Niiiiiice.

3. And finally, who pray tell, carves the shiz out of the toilet seat? I mean yes it is a well known fact that people write and key their names, numbers, and other dumb things on the sides of the stalls, but who in the heck is scratching up the actual seat? Hmmmm? If it is you, stop it's annoying. That or someone is wearing studded chaps and nothing else, and is double teaming the chaps for the protection instead of the toilet paper. Again, bad, bad, idea. (WARNING THE BELOW PICTURE IS VERY DISTURBING BUT I NEEDED TO PROVE THE POINT OF WHAT I AM SAYING HERE!)

And really, it is funny.


Loves




M