On Being Nostalgic..................

"The term nostalgia describes a yearning for the past, often in idealized form.^[1] The word is a learned formation of a Greek compound, consisting of νόστος(nóstos), meaning "returning home", a Homeric word, and ἄλγος (álgos), meaning "pain, ache". It was described as a medical condition, a form of melancholy"


You know when you have a feeling over and over again, and you know that it correlates with a word that you don't quite know but think you do? Well that is why I have this definition above. I have heard the word nostalgia but I never actually knew the exact meaning until I kept getting this feeling and had to have a way to describe it. There it is above. 


Anyway let me try to explain what I'm trying to say here. I get these feelings of nostalgia a lot from things that make sense, and things that don't at all. So let's begin on my trip down nostalgic lane shall we?

Whenever I go around the bend of the golf course in Preston I start to cry. It brings back so many feelings of my Grandpa Buttars. He passed away the July before I was going into high school. We were buds. He would take me places with him and let me talk and talk and talk about who knows what since that seems to be what I do, and he would listen. He would tell me stories about his life and his family and I would listen. He used to take me with him just us a lot and I look back now and don't know why but i'm sure glad I had that one on one time with him. When I was 11 he took me fishing. Twice in one day. He was ok that I wouldn't even touch the worms and let me run around bare foot with my pants rolled up. That is one of my very favorite memories I have with him. One of the reasons I knew that my Mr. was right for me was that I knew my Grandpa Buttars would approve of him. I can't wait until they will get to meet each other someday. 




Living in this 3 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment all alone is not as awesome as it seems. Granted I don't think I could live with somebody else ever again because I really am not good at sharing, but it does get kind of big for me at times. There is the best noise outside of my apartment though. The noise of frogs. I adore frogs. As in the actual animals. When I was younger and lived in the country we had a big pond, (ok WE didn't the farmer behind us did and I just snuck out there.) and I would go and catch tad poles and put them in our water trough and watch them grow legs and lose their tales and then they would eventually get big enough that they could escape and wander freely. Have you ever felt what it is like to step on a frog barefoot? I have, and they jump. That sound brings me a lot of peace. When we moved and I couldn't have any pets anymore my parents bought me African Water frogs. They are these tiny water frogs that swim around like fish, but better. They still sit on our counter in the kitchen in a huge glass bowl. They are lovely.

Watching NCIS brings on this feeling as well. I got sick a lot my senior year of high school and there were many days that I would lay in front of the fire place with my dad in the recliner and we would watch NCIS all day. Those days were the best. I miss my Dad. 


The smell of tobacco has always made me have a strange feeling. I get sick to my stomach but also I feel this weird happiness. No it is not because I was once a chain smoker, however believable that is to be, it is because my Uncle Rindy used to smell like that and I can still remember. I can remember his beard and His big smile, and I can still remember him holding me once and tickling me. He passed away when I was four but I think about him often. I know we would have gotten along so well. He scared me with his wild lifestyle that I knew even then was not the one he should have been living for his own sake. I once liked a boy who smelled just the same way and every time I was with him I thought of my Uncle Rindy. There are so many things I wish I knew about him like his favorite flavor of ice cream, and what his favorite joke was. I also look forward to when I will be able to meet him. 


This one is a new one. The other day I went and visited my buddy Bodie, who lucky for me also happens to be my nephew. He has just started talking here and there and I have been trying to get him to say my name but it's a hard one for him to say. I tried to teach him meg-meg-meg-meg-meg in a fast procession thinking he would think it was like a song but it wasn't working. Anyway I hadn't seen him for a while and went over and he ran to me, I picked him up and he grabbed my face in his two tiny hands and said "ME-ME" and smiled. I felt homesick and happy and sad all at the same time, and a little bit of dejavu from this and I still don't know why. He now calls me "Me-Me" which works just fine for me. 


There are another two things that have made me feel nostalgic in the past week that have no correlation with my home. I saw an old man and old woman walking in the mall together and she was holding two bags that he gently removed from her hands and held with his own. This gesture of pure gentlemen-ness made me pause and gave me that same feeling. It was so sweet. Another time this week I saw a girl who stared me straight in they eyes and smiled at me as we passed each other. You would think due to my suspicious and violent nature I would have punched her, but instead I found myself thinking, "I wonder if that girl was supposed to be my best friend?" It is also strange because I cannot remember her face at all, and I never forget a face. Both of these times that this happened this week it was when I needed to be reminded that life is good. I also think that I may have been homesick for a different home, my life before this one that I can't remember but that my spirit can and that it knows that after this life I will continue on and see my Grandpa and my Uncle and I hope the girl who smiled at me so that I can tell her thank you for making things better for me. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day and that if the sun isn't shining outside wherever you are that it is in your heart. 


Love




M