today I am sad

today I am sad. today I cried in the bathroom of my school three separate times. I hate being sad. I hate crying. today marked 3 months that I have officially been divorced. today I also found out that D is dating someone else. this makes me sad, not because it isn't me, and not because I want him, but because it just causes even more of a finality with it. I have been dating since three days after our divorce, I have no room to talk or judge and I don't, honestly I want him to be happy and if being with someone makes him happy then that is good with me. some days though, it still doesn't feel quite real. some days i feel like he is just deployed and is going to come home. two weeks ago i rented out our house and i couldn't control my emotions then, driving up to the house I literally got excited thinking Dutch was in the backyard and that D was downstairs watching TV just waiting for me to get home. it is a weird reality that, that won't ever be my reality again. yet through all of my sadness I still know this is for the better. we both are better off. we really are.

Truth Tuesday: The Symbolism of My Jewelry

Hello Darlings, I've been missing you, I have been wanting to write but it seems every time I think to write I can't. For some reason Truth Tuesday just frees my mind up and I seem to be jabber on non stop. Anyway, today I am talking about some of my favorite pieces of jewelry. If you know me, you know that I love jewelry. It is sentimental and meaningful to me, there is always something behind it. Jewelry is one of my favorite presents and carries a lot of history to me.

The day D left I took off my wedding rings. Now those of you who read my blog when I was still married, know how much I loved my wedding ring. The symbolism of the circle as a never ending bond, and an outward sign of love and committment for another is a very romantic notion to me. Aside from that, I searched and searched for the ring that I loved the most and it was that one. It symbolized in my mind so much more than just marriage, to me it was a sign that I did everything I could to be able to go to the Temple worthily and get married for time and all eternity, it symbolized to me that I had someone who loved me and looked out for me, it said to me that I mattered. Taking those rings off just about broke me, because even though they were as ever bit of lovely as they were when I got them, they didn't mean those things anymore and instead seemed like a jarring sign of my failure and brokenness. The day after D left I went shopping just to try to keep my mind off of my current situation and I came across this darling little Juicy Couture bracelet. The delicacy of the chain and the simpleness of the bow was unlike my usual large and gaudy style, but there was just something about it that instantly became my new symbol of courage. The first thing I thought of when seeing it was of when people used to tie a piece of string around their finger in a bow to remind them of something, instantaneously the thought came to my mind "remember you deserve better" I bought it that day and put it on as soon as I got in the car and haven't taken it off since. It is an everyday reminder to me, from myself that I DO deserve to be treated better. Going back to my wedding rings, when Drew and I first decided we really were going to get married we had no money at all, we were 19 and spontaneous. I knew that the large diamond rings I wanted weren't even plausible but I didn't care, I said I just wanted a ring saying that I was his. We had been ring shopping too many times to count but we went again just for fun. That day I asked him what kind of ring he wanted and he picked one out as well. As soon as he tried on his ring I knew it was a done deal for both of us even though we acted like nothing changed. Later that day I went back and bought his ring knowing I would just keep it until he decided it was time for us to be married. Little did I know, he had bought me a delicate little band until he could get me a real ring. Three days later he came and picked me up from school and was so excited he couldn't help but just hand me the box with the ring in it. I was so excited, I don't think i'll ever forget that feeling. We went and picked up his ring and we both wore our rings until three weeks later when we bought my wedding ring. Although I am selling my wedding ring, I just couldn't part with my little band or his. The memory of that was such a happy one it was really hard for me to let it go. I finally decided that instead of selling them to someone else I would trade them in towards a different ring just for myself. Not to hold on to the past, but to remind myself that there were good things behind me, and there are good things ahead of me.

I am the captain of my fate and I am looking forward to my journey ahead.

Mind Reader

Some days I wish I was a mind reader. I want to know what exactly people think when they see me, talk to me, get a text/phone call from me. Most days I am glad that I don't know because it would probably hurt me more than help me, but other days when I see specific people I just want to know. Today for example I wanted to know what are you thinking right now? Is it weird that I am your ex wife? Is it weird that I'm not smiling and trying to make you happy like I used to? What do you think of my hair? Are you proud of me for not letting you break me? Can you see that i'm stronger? Do you realize that when you broke me you did me a favor? Do I look better? Do I look worse? Do you wish things were different? Do you miss me? Are you surprised that I don't need you? Can you see that I don't want you? Do you see that I finally understand I deserve to be treated better? I hope you can see that I will never settle again. To say the least today has been an emotional day and that is ok. I hate feeling anything, it makes me feel weak, but I am learning that when I really feel things that is when I become my strongest because then I can overcome my biggest weaknesses and fears. There is nothing that I cannot overcome through Heavenly Father's help and for that I am thankful. I don't need anyone else. I am enough.