On Growing Up

This summer, and this year actually, have taught me a lot about what it is to be an adult. Unlike a lot of people I have never wanted to stay young forever. I have always been the most comfortable with people who are about 60 and up. Even when I was a child I was always focused on being an adult. Always. I felt like when I was an adult I would finally understand everything no one would tell me. I remember once asking my Grandma what it was like to be old, I was about 8 and still haven't learned to be very tactful even now, but what she said confused me so much and I thought she was mocking me, her answer was "I am the same age now as I have always been, my body just keeps playing a joke on me every morning." I finally feel like I understand. This summer and the past 7 months, I have had some of the hardest experiences that I think I will ever have to deal with in my entire life. Some the obvious with Drew leaving and being all alone, but some so painful that I hope someday I will understand and will be blessed to forget about. I have reflected often these past months on my life. My purpose. If I have a purpose in life. What happiness is etc. I know most of my friends miss high school and miss our teenage years. I don't. I doubt I will ever have a time in my life where I genuinely miss high school. In the past month there have been two suicides, one a great Olympian, and one, a local man who also wasn't even 30 yet. There are some people who say they will be judged and shame on them etc etc. There was a time in my life that I felt the same way. I don't anymore though. Life is hard. It is worth it, but it is hard. I remember one of the 3 times that I have ever been to institute the teacher actually spoke about death and suicide. He said something that so instantaneously changed the way I thought about the whole situation that I have never felt that way again. He asked the class about their thoughts on people who chose to take their own life, and what they thought their judgement would be. Most answered that they were weak, cowards, murderers that they would be punished severely etc etc. My teacher then said here is something I would like you to think about, "I once was asked to speak at a funeral for a young man who chose to end his life, I was beside myself trying to find something to say, I prayed and prayed for the days before the funeral to know the right thing to say to comfort his family, but I could think of nothing. The morning of the funeral as I was getting ready the thought came to me 'although men are given free agency, in times of such sorrow, or despair, or mental illness, they often lose it and Heavenly Father is a just God, but is also a loving and understanding God, so much so that he can understand completely where each person was in their life when they make that decision and go through with it'" He then said that he didn't know the judgement that they would receive, he didn't understand, but he knew that God did and it was our job to help those in this life so that no one ever gets to that point.

This summer I have often yearned to be in a swimming pool like so many of the summers of my youth, or riding four wheelers, or going on dates every night and sleeping outside. Sometimes it is hard to remind myself that I am having as much fun when I am doing laundry and attempting to cook something edible. One thing I do know though, is that I am also very happy to be where I am. I have had some of the hardest trials the past few years of my life, but I have also never known such happiness and joy as well. There are so many blessings in being an adult. Laundry and school and cooking and cleaning and working and paying bills and trying to make ends meet sometimes isn't fun. Not being carefree and young sometimes isn't fun. But having a husband. Having my own things. Having our own home that is just ours. Being able to lay down every night with the one person I love more than anyone else and waking up with him. Those are all joys and blessings I knew nothing about when I was young. It is scary this time in my life. I am turning 21 in less than a month and will have been married already a year. There are so many unknowns in the world and in our life at this point. A few months ago I was having such a hard time to be coming in this stage, and to being in this stage. I was worried I would change that I would start to not enjoy things anymore that my happiness would leave. But ice cream is still just as delicious, a kiss is sweeter now than it has ever been, although I am the least out of shape now than I have ever been I am also the most content with myself, rain smells just as good, people are just as kind, and happiness is something that I have learned grows when you are doing the right things. There is much to be grateful for at this time. I know that I am at this place and at this age at this time for a reason and there are so many wonderful things that I can do with that to help others and myself.

I now understand what my Grandma meant. I am the same inside, the same young girl, flirty teen, and nervous bride and confident woman that I have always been. And as the years go by I will still be all of those things. Life in its ups and downs is good. Often we just need to take in a breath of fresh air, watch a baby stretch, and laugh to remember just how good.

I hope that your Thursday is moving sweetly by,

xoxo

M