On: The Happenings in My Life

Guys, I have been so busy being, so, extremely happy that I really haven't had time for much else. My laundry pile can attest to this. Things in my life have taken a completely unexpected turn, that is so wonderful and fabulous, in a way I have been harboring it from everything. I want to protect it and keep it safe. These past weeks though, have been an emotional doosy, in a matter of four days my best friend told me she had cervical cancer, my dad had a severe heart attack and my sister had several complications with in-vitro. Emotional wreck would be the way I would have described myself but in a way I was able to hold it together much more than I thought I would be able to thanks to K. It is amazing how no matter what there are always trials in life, some much harder than others, but when you are doing what you know to be the right thing, and following the spirit, and have people in your life who encourage you and recognize Heavenly Father's plan in your life, how even in those extremely difficult and challenging times you know that everything will be ok. I remember a time, not long before the divorce was finalized that D looked me in the face and said he hoped that I would find a man who would treat me the way that I deserved to be treated and that he hoped for it sooner rather than later. The term blood boiling, I realized then was actually a factual term because I had never once felt my blood feel so hot; I wanted to slap him across the face as hard as I possibly could because that is exactly the way I felt he had just done to me with his words, I remember taking a literal step back from the pain that ensued in my body, the fact that he could so calmly and with complete (rare) honesty tell me that to my face made me realize just how far gone and on different pages we were. I couldn't believe that he could so easily see me as a thing of the past, that he would want someone else to do what he had promised me, and Heavenly Father that HE would do, and that he wouldn't even think twice about it. Now however, I feel nothing but sincere gratitude towards D. I really do, and I told him so. He had the foresight that I didn't have, he hoped for me something that I didn't even think possible for myself, finding someone who would love and appreciate me in a pure way without expecting anything in return. Although I do not regret marrying D still, I am so thankful now that he let me go when he decided to take a different path from the one that I was on, if he hadn't I wouldn't be here, where I am now, and this place is so, so good. But that story is for a different blog, so if you would like to continue on with me on my new journey go to strongbravebeautiful.blogspot.com XOXO M

Smiles

Things that are making me smile lately: my fresh as spring grass green toenail polish, my freckles that have been surfacing ever since giving in to the occasional skin bake to escape this frozen existence I call home, getting asked on a date by a boy I was really hoping would ask, doing something I love to do every day, the number that keeps lowering on the scale, my 6 month sinus infection that FINALLY is going away, the blissful rays of sun that have been appearing more frequently the past few days, the piano guys, the fact that it is February my ultimate favorite month, xoxo M

Memoirs of my Memories

Oh Hello. It's been a while, it has. And all I have for you is gibberish, but at this point what else would you expect really? Do you ever have those moments when you find yourself reminiscing about days passed. Like years and years passed? I keep doing this, but they are so vivid that it is like they just barely happened. It is the strangest thing and it is making me homesick for my dear love Boise in an unbelievable, heart-wrenching way. For example, I have relived driving to Ontario Oregon for my soccer tournament when I was in 4th grade with so much detail that I am excited for the treats at the end of the game and my silly medal for winning, I have gone on my first date about 15 times and can remember my hair, outfit, the stench of the drunk woman in line in front of us for the Ferris Wheel and her pole dancing the entire ride (always classy), I have been at Boise Towne Square (the mall, my haven, my safe-place, you get the point) so many times over my lifespan I have been yearning for plaid shirts from third grade, converse shoes from fifth, sparkly pants from Limited Too from 6th etc, I have been hiding in our raspberry patch, climbing our big tree before we cut it down, cleaning my neighbors house, riding my bikes to see the owls, hiding from my scary neighbors who owned said property with the owls, I have been in the car dancing with my best friends being 17 and feeling so full of life, I have been 19 and leaving my house for the last time before moving to Utah, I have been 18 and breaking up with D for the first time when he showed up with flowers at my front door, I have been learning how to drive stick-shift for the 5th time from the 5th country boy who did a "day on the farm" date, I have been 6 and going to kindergarten for the second time, the list goes on and on. It is strange to feel 6 years old and then suddenly be taking a test, or feeling 16 and nervous for a date and driving to work, or thinking i'm going to the mall when I am on my way to the gym. In some ways these things have made me lonely for my friends, for my life in Boise, for the past, but also it has been such a good reminder of so many good memories I have involving so many amazing people. It is ok that life just keeps on going, if it didn't I would still be 8 at a soccer tournament and not know some of the very sweetest memories I have had up to date. The hard times and sad times are still so worth it in comparison to all of the beautiful, fulfilling, joyful moments I have experienced, and my soul keeps reminding me that I have many more of those to come. Xoxo M

today I am sad

today I am sad. today I cried in the bathroom of my school three separate times. I hate being sad. I hate crying. today marked 3 months that I have officially been divorced. today I also found out that D is dating someone else. this makes me sad, not because it isn't me, and not because I want him, but because it just causes even more of a finality with it. I have been dating since three days after our divorce, I have no room to talk or judge and I don't, honestly I want him to be happy and if being with someone makes him happy then that is good with me. some days though, it still doesn't feel quite real. some days i feel like he is just deployed and is going to come home. two weeks ago i rented out our house and i couldn't control my emotions then, driving up to the house I literally got excited thinking Dutch was in the backyard and that D was downstairs watching TV just waiting for me to get home. it is a weird reality that, that won't ever be my reality again. yet through all of my sadness I still know this is for the better. we both are better off. we really are.

Truth Tuesday: The Symbolism of My Jewelry

Hello Darlings, I've been missing you, I have been wanting to write but it seems every time I think to write I can't. For some reason Truth Tuesday just frees my mind up and I seem to be jabber on non stop. Anyway, today I am talking about some of my favorite pieces of jewelry. If you know me, you know that I love jewelry. It is sentimental and meaningful to me, there is always something behind it. Jewelry is one of my favorite presents and carries a lot of history to me.

The day D left I took off my wedding rings. Now those of you who read my blog when I was still married, know how much I loved my wedding ring. The symbolism of the circle as a never ending bond, and an outward sign of love and committment for another is a very romantic notion to me. Aside from that, I searched and searched for the ring that I loved the most and it was that one. It symbolized in my mind so much more than just marriage, to me it was a sign that I did everything I could to be able to go to the Temple worthily and get married for time and all eternity, it symbolized to me that I had someone who loved me and looked out for me, it said to me that I mattered. Taking those rings off just about broke me, because even though they were as ever bit of lovely as they were when I got them, they didn't mean those things anymore and instead seemed like a jarring sign of my failure and brokenness. The day after D left I went shopping just to try to keep my mind off of my current situation and I came across this darling little Juicy Couture bracelet. The delicacy of the chain and the simpleness of the bow was unlike my usual large and gaudy style, but there was just something about it that instantly became my new symbol of courage. The first thing I thought of when seeing it was of when people used to tie a piece of string around their finger in a bow to remind them of something, instantaneously the thought came to my mind "remember you deserve better" I bought it that day and put it on as soon as I got in the car and haven't taken it off since. It is an everyday reminder to me, from myself that I DO deserve to be treated better. Going back to my wedding rings, when Drew and I first decided we really were going to get married we had no money at all, we were 19 and spontaneous. I knew that the large diamond rings I wanted weren't even plausible but I didn't care, I said I just wanted a ring saying that I was his. We had been ring shopping too many times to count but we went again just for fun. That day I asked him what kind of ring he wanted and he picked one out as well. As soon as he tried on his ring I knew it was a done deal for both of us even though we acted like nothing changed. Later that day I went back and bought his ring knowing I would just keep it until he decided it was time for us to be married. Little did I know, he had bought me a delicate little band until he could get me a real ring. Three days later he came and picked me up from school and was so excited he couldn't help but just hand me the box with the ring in it. I was so excited, I don't think i'll ever forget that feeling. We went and picked up his ring and we both wore our rings until three weeks later when we bought my wedding ring. Although I am selling my wedding ring, I just couldn't part with my little band or his. The memory of that was such a happy one it was really hard for me to let it go. I finally decided that instead of selling them to someone else I would trade them in towards a different ring just for myself. Not to hold on to the past, but to remind myself that there were good things behind me, and there are good things ahead of me.

I am the captain of my fate and I am looking forward to my journey ahead.

Mind Reader

Some days I wish I was a mind reader. I want to know what exactly people think when they see me, talk to me, get a text/phone call from me. Most days I am glad that I don't know because it would probably hurt me more than help me, but other days when I see specific people I just want to know. Today for example I wanted to know what are you thinking right now? Is it weird that I am your ex wife? Is it weird that I'm not smiling and trying to make you happy like I used to? What do you think of my hair? Are you proud of me for not letting you break me? Can you see that i'm stronger? Do you realize that when you broke me you did me a favor? Do I look better? Do I look worse? Do you wish things were different? Do you miss me? Are you surprised that I don't need you? Can you see that I don't want you? Do you see that I finally understand I deserve to be treated better? I hope you can see that I will never settle again. To say the least today has been an emotional day and that is ok. I hate feeling anything, it makes me feel weak, but I am learning that when I really feel things that is when I become my strongest because then I can overcome my biggest weaknesses and fears. There is nothing that I cannot overcome through Heavenly Father's help and for that I am thankful. I don't need anyone else. I am enough.

Ode to Nat-Bat

Today my very best friend in Utah took off for Arlington Texas. It even sounds like a hellhole. Anyway I will begin my "ode." The first time I ever saw Natalie was on October 30, 2009. I interviewed at Sports Academy for the first time that day and had a cute boy waiting to go ring shopping with me in the parking lot at the time. During my interview Natalie came back to get something and was introduced to me as the activities director, in my mind I automatically created who she was probably late twenties, 3-4 kids at home, part time job, VERY LDS. When I actually started working for Sports Academy in early January I didn't think twice about Natalie until she asked me if I knew how to speak Spanish. Thinking it was a joke I responded with "si" and she asked if I could help her with her Spanish homework. That is when I found out she was actually just a year and a half older than I was, and in college, a history major which I thought was really cool. We chit-chatted a few times later until it was around her birthday and she was talking about getting "plastered" I basically died laughing until I realized she was serious and found out she wasn't LDS at all and was from Reno Nevada. I don't know why, but after that our friendship blossomed, and fast. I think we both recognized that we were both from towns very different from Logan Utah. We related over places we had and wanted to travel. We talked boys, she was the first person who knew my entire story about "the missionary I almost married" and was there for when I was engaged and then married. Natalie also was there for me when I said I was thinking about leaving D, she encouraged me to stick things out it had only been 3 months, she was the first person aside from Tippy and my Parents who I told that D had cheated on me, and was the first to say that people make mistakes and to give him a chance to redeem himself, she was the person who I knew I could cry in front of and talk to about all of my inner demons, and how badly I just wanted to end my life. Morbid and poor her, but she was always there and instead of telling me I was an idiot, or worse pitying me, she talked me through, She has talked me through everything for the past almost 3 years non stop. She has been the person who I tell scary things, funny things, COMPLETELY inappropriate things, hopes and goals to. She was the first person who told me how bad D looked when she saw him after our divorce knowing that I needed to hear it even if it wasn't true, she also glared at him and was a total brat and even now hates him for me because she knows that SOMEONE in my life needs to. She has been my voice of reason and laughter and more times than I can count someone that I can trust and in my life, especially in the last few years that has been about 5 people. As soon as she knew that I was getting a divorce she found a deal to go to California knowing I had never been to Disneyland and how badly I wanted to go to the Ocean. In May I had asked her if she wanted to go to Carrie Underwood with me, she told me she had gone 4 times, we decided not to go, and she surprised me with tickets for my birthday. Remember how I said I wanted a Christmas tree so badly? Well Natalie knew that and got her boyfriend's truck last, (the night before they drive to TEXAS)to help me get a Christmas tree even though she is allergic to them, (which she told me when we were picking one out.)She has just been one of the few people that has just got me, automatically. I can't think of a time that we have ever been angry at each other for longer than an hour, and that is saying something when it comes to two hard heads like us, she has never judged and has always encouraged me to be my best self. Natalie truly is one of the most Christ like people that I know. She is a completely real and genuine person. She sees people for what they are and doesn't judge them based on it, only encourages them. She has the biggest heart and is the most stubborn hard-hearted ass I have ever met. I will miss her more than I can think about, but I know that she is following the best path for her and I can't wait to hear about her new journey. I love you Nat-Bat, thank you for being everything I have needed so badly for so long, I literally wouldn't be alive without you. You're the greatest. Below I have added some of our pictures, somehow we always make the weirdest faces and catch them on pictures, but I think that fits us better than anything else.